15 Steps Toward Improving Your Marriage Table of Contents Catch your spouse doing something "right" Share domestic chores Becoming a good listener Share parental decisions and support Never forget to say please and thank you Share financial responsibilities Remember to apologize Resolve conflicts quickly Establish marital goals Never go to bed angry Plan time for romance Explore common interests Share your fears and insecurities Don't be afraid to cultivate your own interests Never succumb to jealousy Catch your spouse doing something "right" Staying Happily Married In recent years, the demand for marriage and family therapists, also known as MFTs, has dramatically increased. A Marriage and family therapist (MFT) is a mental health professional, highly trained in the area of bringing a perspective that is family-oriented to health care. Basically, what MFTs do is evaluate and treat emotional and mental disorders, including but not limited to behavioral and health issues. Relationship issues are also within an MFT's area of specialty. MFTs play a crucial role in keeping marriages and families intact. But looking at it in another perspective, MFTs are more support groups rather than problem solvers that can cure marriages and restore family relationships. Being happily married and staying happily married is not such a hard jigsaw puzzle to put together. It just needs tender loving care and some extra gestures of concern to always keep the fire within the marriage ablaze. Both spouses must always exert extra effort to keep the marriage fresh and interactive. Couples may start the journey to a strong and satisfying married life by avoiding the common pitfalls that haunt marital relationships. Disagreements and arguments will happen. It is normal in any relationship. Two individuals, no matter how similar or compatible, will at some point clash and get into an argument - be it petty or something more serious. Leaving the issue unresolved or the concerned addressed allows the issues pile up over time and subsequently result in graver situations that are more difficult to resolve or address later on. This scenario is avoidable had the couples been open to the idea that they can get through any problems if they knew the marriage pitfalls and troubles that they should have looked out for. Couples, either newly married or married to each other for a long time, should understand that they need to communicate. It may sound surprising but recent studies show that communication issues actually top the list of the most important things that couples hope they had focused on before jumping into marriage. Talk. It is unsafe to assume that a partner knows the others thoughts and needs and vice versa. Ask, and do not assume. Then pay close attention and listen to what is being said. Don't just hear. Acknowledge that what has been said is clearly understood. Take some time to send your partner a heartfelt thank you. Write a card or send flowers out of the blue to let your partner know that you appreciate him or her. An unexpected phone call would also be a nice gesture. If you are on the receiving end, reciprocate the initiative with the same sincere appreciation. It feels good to know that what you have done is acknowledged. Also, ‘making your partners day’ will give you the same euphoric feeling. As earlier mentioned, arguing with your spouse is inevitable. But also consider that there is such a thing that is called "fighting fair." Couples can and will fight over anything and everything. So, when a disagreement comes up, just tackle the issue at hand. No matter the disagreement, try to resist bringing up previous issues that may push your partner over the edge. Instead, keep it cool. Take a break, and revisit the discussion when you have a clearer idea of what you really want to say, and then listen to what your spouse has to say. This is the most logical and correct thing to do, don't you think? Fighting fire with fire will just leave both of you tired, wasted, and burnt out. Why not try to catch your spouse doing something right? It wouldn't hurt to overlook little foibles of your partner. Why not try to focus on the good and pleasant things that your spouse says or does for you as well as for the family. People will sometimes disappoint us. But then again, it would be unfair not to consider that they will also at one point bring something worthy of being acknowledgement. A little appreciation of each other, and what each other does, will help to improve any relationship especially a marriage. And wouldn't it feel nice to know that your spouse exerts extra effort to put together something good for you without you really knowing? So, for married couples, when you stumble into these pitfalls, you now know more or less how to handle it. Just keep it up. Hold on. Continue loving, caring, and understanding each other, and watch your marriage improve beyond your imagination. Share domestic chores Domestic work can keep love alive for couples A typical housewife's day starts and ends with the same thing: household chores. A fulltime housewife wakes up early to prepare breakfast and then she makes sure everybody eats well. When the hubby and the children are off to work and to school, she cleans the house and does the laundry. A housewife's day is either spent tending her garden or buying groceries. Then she hurries home and prepares dinner for the family. Dinner is the time for conversation with the family. After washing the dishes, the housewife tucks everybody in bed and then she can do things that she enjoys - like reading or needle work. The next day is spent following the same routine. A working mother, on the other hand, is not less of a housewife just because she spends the day in the office. A working mom just needs to plan her day ahead so she can work and at the same time perform all the household chores. A housewife, fulltime or working, can only do so much before she finds out that she is already at the end of her wits. A housewife who does all of the household chores will have very little time for her husband or her children. If she has extra time she is probably too tired to enjoy the extra hours. There are housewives lucky enough to have husbands who share the household chores. In marriage, sharing is a manifestation of the couple's commitment to honor and care for each other. But this is the ideal setting. In reality, the sharing of domestic chores has become one of the sources of conflict between spouses. Research will show that housewives are mainly responsible for house work. However, a little help from the other spouse would be a great help. The arguments most couples have start out with the wife complaining about having so much to do for the family that she no longer has time for herself. This is usually the phase when the wife is already burned out. When the husband hears this, he counters by saying he is also too tired and that doing the household chores is not his responsibility Due consideration should be given to husbands who work and whose wives stay home the whole day. In this case his earnings are the husband's contribution to the household. The wife, whose sole contribution to the family is her house work, should do her part and not complain. The present economic situation however has forced both husband and wife to work and contribute to the family income. In this situation, both spouses are expected to share in the household chores. Most husbands complain that their wives no longer have time for them. Many housewives are so busy with their daily mundane tasks that they forget how to have a good time. Surveys show that sharing in the household work can be less stressful and depressing for both spouses. When the household chores are divided, there is more time for the spouses to enjoy each other's company. Among the most common household chores include buying groceries, disposing of garbage, meal preparation, care of the children and laundry. Husbands who want to ease their housewives' burden can choose a task they are most comfortable with. An offer to help with the household chore will not only brighten the other spouse's day, but in return, she will be extra nice and caring, not only to the husband, but also to the children. Reasons why men are hesitant to do household chores: 1. Cultural influence Most cultures tend to be patriarchal where men play the dominant role. Because of this, men look at household chores as something below them are relegated only to women. 2. Gender-bias The way children are raised is responsible for how they turn out as adults and how they look at their role in society. There are men who were raised with the traditional idea that a man's role is to earn money for the family and a woman's role is to take care of the household. Women can encourage their spouses to share in the household work by talking to them about how heavy the workload is and that any help would be appreciated. It would also help if women would specify the exact task she wants assistance with so that the men will not be left guessing. Becoming a good listener Listening: Key to a Successful Marriage To achieve success in any endeavor, the parties involved must be open to the idea that each has to put in some time and effort to make things work. Such an endeavor includes a long, as well as a satisfying married life. Often, people tend to overlook the fact that marriage is a constant process of sharing and learning. It is a given that love is in the picture, but then it does not just end there. It is a continuous process of striving to be a good spouse, and being a perfect partner is not an impossible. Good News or Bad News A USA Today article posted on July 18, 2005 claims that there has been a significant decline in the divorce rate all over the United States. The U.S. divorce rate is currently at 17.7% per 1,000 married women. A very considerable decrease compared to the 1980 U.S. divorce rate, which is at 22.6%. However, there has also been a significant decline in the U.S. marriage rate. From the 76.5% per 1,000 unmarried women in the year 1970, there has been a 50% drop to this day's meager 39.9. Does this imply that there is a growing concern among Americans that fewer couples prefer not to marry? Or are married couples trying to keep their marriages strong and fulfilling? Why Do Married Couples Call It Quits? The main causes of divorce in 2004 have been determined to be the following (in correct order, from highest rank). - Extra-marital affairs - Family strains - Emotional and/or physical abuse - Mid-life crisis - Addictions like, but not limited to alcoholism, gambling - Being a workaholic But if you look closely, these situations could have been prevented had there been a viable and strong foundation for the relationship built on trust and fostered by good communication. Hearing versus Listening Aside from both of these activities requiring the use of one's ears, hearing and listening are two totally different things. Hearing is basically a mere physical process all people are born with. It is a natural response people have when presented with the stimuli of sound. Hearing is very passive. On the other hand, listening is a skill requiring both physical and mental processes. The process of listening is a very hard task and it requires one's full and consent concentration. Communication, in the purest sense is achieved only when thoughts and messages are properly transmitted and clearly received Of course, this involves listening in its purest sense. Listening Improves Relationships Contrary to popular belief, listening is actually not a simple skill. In spite of the tremendous practice people get, or at least think they get from listening to normal day to day interaction with different people, most people are not very good listeners much of the time. Why? For the very simple reason that listening is such a complex skill to master. Marriages and friendships, as well as other forms of relationships rely heavily on good listening skills between the parties involved. To improve a married couple's relationship, both spouses must learn to listen to understand rather than just to listen to argue. With listening, the spouses learn and know more about each so there is little space for tensions and arguments. So much has been said about how people can improve the listening aspect when communicating. Easier said than done, right? However, breaking them down into small easily followed steps and quick to remember keys will probably be more effective. Listening is anything but a neutral or passive activity. Listening is not only hearing the words that are uttered but understanding them as well. When a person listens, he hears not only the words, but the non-language aspect of communication like the tone, the mood, as well as the expression. It would be advisable (as suggested by most counselors) to listen out for an unspoken mood or concerns including fears and aspirations of the speaker. Often, these are revealed in usual conversations but are taken for granted or not paid their well-deserved attention. And in listening, respect is a must. Just listen. Do not think of how you should respond. Listen with sincere optimism and a pleasant and positive human regard. Remember, this is a spouse, screaming to be heard and to be heard. Simply keep these simple tips in mind, and watch your listening skills and soon your relationships improve. Share parental decisions and support Marriage: share and share until you succeed Most wives and husbands ultimately become mothers and fathers. These mothers and fathers and their children later turn to become families that form part of America’s ever growing communities. Studies have shown that children strive to become the best they could possibly be if both parents are present to give support in all aspects of their children’s growth be it financial, psychological or emotional. There are many possible results if a couple fails to share responsibility, support, decisions and commitment to each other and to their children. One is the most dreaded but is a highly popular option now-a-days. The D word Divorce is not a very kind word. Every year, there are almost a million children in America who experience their parents going through the messy process of divorce. According to studies, half of these children will become adults who have grown up in homes raised by a single parent. Marriage is a solid institution that conveys the importance of a long-term commitment between two mutually loving adults. However, this is usually not the case in most current relationships. But there are those children who overcome such odds and later become positive contributing community members. Prevention is always better than the cure One way to prevent the onset of this dreaded D word is that both parents should work on how each partner will get to share on making important decisions, from where the child will be schooled, how, the kind of religion (if any) parents would like their children to practice, type of health care, kinds of activities, etc. The decision on what to choose is as important as who makes them and how. Couples must agree and later on come to a mutually beneficial and positive decision that will ultimately benefit the children. Oddly however, the cure after a divorce has happened is also the same thing as the prevention. Parents should just as well work positively together and share decisions. The negative impact of the separation must, as much as possible, have minimal effect on how the children conduct themselves in the long term. When an agreement cannot be reached Oftentimes, couples who separate cannot come to an agreement as to what and how is the best way to decide on issues involving their children or on their finances, etc. Usually, both partners take each other up as adversaries. Confrontation usually is the result of such a mindset. Obviously, this further prevents each from cooperating in the best method possible to serve the children’s interest. Practice responsible parenthood The only way to make the best out of a relationship is to practice sharing. Two people who decide to become as one entity will further enhance the value of their union as well as each other if they share house work obligations and responsibilities that they may have to their children as well as to each other. With the current statistics reflecting that thirty percent of children born in the United States are from parents that are unmarried, people who are thinking of embarking in a relationship will do best if they are aware of the obligations that marriage entails. Doing so saves the couple as well as their eventual children from the financial, psychological and emotional anxiety / anguish or problems that separation or divorce may bring. Currently, there are programs geared towards youth and adolescents – the future decision-makers of the country – that teach them to be aware on how and what is their level of maturity and commitment to their partners as well as themselves. They are also educated on the aspects of marriage and how it is to raise a child. These programs also evaluate its participants as to how ready or not ready individuals are in committing to such an important decision. Thankfully, US schools currently have a curriculum that instruct its young students on what are the various aspects of how it is to be a parent, this covers emotional, legal as well as financial responsibilities. All in all, a relationship is called as such because two people are in it. It is also best and just as practical that these two partners work together on their differences and share each other’s emotional high’s, low’s as well as responsibilities that would lend support on the whole relationship. Never forget to say please and thank you Speaking Your Way to a Blissful Marriage There are several words that could help improve your married life and make it a blissful one. Some of them are "may I help", "I am sorry" or the commonly used phrase, "I love you". There are other words to show you care and truly love the one you are with and perhaps the two most important words/phrases are shown below. Children have been thought to speak kind words to each other as they grow up. Simple words, as they are taught, make what you say better and more personal. This is a lesson most married couples should believe and practice. These words help them get what they want without being too demanding and leave the one helping with a feeling o success. Please – Still the Magical Magic Word Please pass the rice. Please pick me up after school. Can I ride your bike please? The word "please" has been one of the truly magical words in the English language. It can turn a very thoughtless and rude order/command into a kind and polite request. It can turn what might be an altercation into a kind exchange of words. This simple word has the ability to make someone happy while helping you. "Please" causes the person being requested to something to view the request not as a "command" but as something that needs his/her special attention and most people love the feeling of helping or and feeling that you are being asking for their help. This is important since every request is happily acknowledged and happily done. It is also important since you give the person an option to accept your request or deny it. It gives people more freedom and because they’re happy with freedom, they tend to give in to whoever requested the help. Parents try to instill this magical word in their children’s vocabulary as soon as they learn how to speak. Children usually have a lot of things they can’t do and usually ask for help from their elders. Imagine how it would sound without the word "please" and you’ll find yourself shuddering at the thought of children ordering adults around. "Please" from a child usually makes older people happy to comply because the child is polite. This is the same for married couples too. A simple "please" from your husband or wife is always better than a request without it. This simple word causes a lot of spats/fights to cease and will generally let your requests be granted by your partner. Thank You for saying "Thank You" As a child, most of us have been taught to thank everyone for their help. Whether it is a simple job like asking for a glass of water or a complicated one like asking for help with homework, the word "thank you" is uttered by a child’s lips. As adults, people tend to love children who know how to thank them and it always pleases them to help the children again the next time they need help. As children grow into adults, most people tend to forget what they have learned from their childhood. They ask for help, and whether the help was willingly or unwillingly given, no word of thanks can be heard. This can be a little disappointing for those who work not for money but for the sake of helping. As a part of a married couple, you have the ability to make work lighter. Once you see how hard your husband/wife labored to cook your dinner, just mutter a simple "thank you" while eating and all of his/her fatigue will disappear and he or she will be smiling the rest of the time you are eating. Those two words are priceless and what they can do for someone else’s spirits is astounding. It is a simple thing to say these two words/phrases and it is probably the reason why most people tend to forget to say them. A simple "please" and a simple "thank you" can give your married life a boost and you will be surprised what it can for your marriage. There are probably other words but these two words/phrases are the two most important ones in marriage and everyday life. Share financial responsibilities M & M: Money and Marriage Contrary to popular belief, love of money is not the root of all evil, lack of money is. This issue is a major concern of most married couples today. Believe it or not, eighty percent of divorces are the result of disagreements over money. Though money and marriage may not be good topics to talk about together, the fact is -- marriages cannot go on without money. However, money, fortunately or unfortunately, can very well exist on its own. The following are tips to improve marriage especially when money and finances are involved. Learn each other’s spending styles A couple is composed of two individuals with varying likes, dislikes and preferences, with differing financial lifestyles – e.g., one is a big spender while the other is a spendthrift; one is an impulsive buyer while the other likes to think things through; one prefers to deal with money matters now while the other wants to think about it over night. These differences could cause friction and fights if the disparity is not appropriately resolved. It is best if a couple finds positive and creative ways to use each other’s unique styles to serve the interest of the marriage as well as their bank accounts. Different does not have to mean conflict and a clash of methods in saving and spending. Differences are varying ways of approaching problems and opportunities to solve these problems and using these opportunities to the best advantage. Spend on values Couples must take the time and effort to get to know the values they would like to prioritize. Values such as financial stability, companionship, freedom from debt, etc. are a few examples. Partners should define these values and determine which are most valuable to them. Sharing details about each other’s financial capabilities and incapabilities is essential. It is important that couples mutually agree on what it is they want to focus on and from there decide how best to serve each other’s emotional wants and financial needs. Have dates, will discuss Money matters during dates used to be a no-no. But now, discussing money issues during dates is a practical and wise decision. It is a "no-frills" way to maintain honesty and transparency. Conflicts may or may not be avoided during these discussions. The important thing is that disagreements must not in any way be the dominant factor in your relationship. Talk about sharing financial responsibilities. Decide how much you must spend and on "what, which and how". This could be a great way to settle differences, if there are any, and could even improve a couple’s relationship, especially after each has found out how open the other would be in handling finances. Divide and conquer Partners must distribute financial responsibilities to each other. Their decisions should be based more on one another’s capabilities, means and interests than on outdated stereotypes based on gender. A man was to bring "home the bacon" and the woman was to stay in the house to take care of the children. This scenario may or may not work in this day and age unless a couple finds this particular style actually is best for them. What is important is that a couple’s uniqueness shines through and the financial lifestyle they decide on works best to their family’s advantage. Share any events, especially financial ones with each other as well as make sure that important decisions are discussed and mutually agreed upon with the best interest of each other in mind. Plan it then spend it There are couples who plan what they spend i.e. budget. There are also couples who spend and then plan later. The former is preferred over the latter. Although it could feel a bit restraining, the value of planning ahead enables couples to know what they need more than what they want. Planning also enhances a couple’s creativity as it forces them to think of innovative and often better ways to cover expenses that they have. Planning also increases the chance of saving and decreases their spending. This ensures their long-term enjoyment in their financial future. Money and marriage should not be a source of conflict unless couples make it that. All it takes is honesty, openness and genuine respect for each other’s capabilities to make money and marriage work. And if couples wish it so, it will be. Remember to apologize Knowing when to say you are sorry Katrina and Jason are seated on the same side of the sofa but their body language revealed what a marriage counselor can easily detect among married couples who have chosen to live the MAR in marriage. The couple is seeing a marriage counselor for the fist time since they were married. They have been having trouble lately over trivial matters that seem to spark their hostility towards each other. She said when Jason has a bad day at the office his bad mood continues after work. He arrives home poker-faced, and oblivious to Katrina's words of welcome. Such behavior has been going on for quite sometime now, she said, but there seems to be no effort on his part to apologize for taking his office problems home and taking them out on his wife. Many married couples today find it hard to maintain a workable marriage, much less a happy one. It may be the pressure of making the family finances better, or the mundane task of maintaining the household. Whatever it is, it is clear that married couples do not treat each other the way they did before they got married. During the dating stage, the sweetest moment for a couple is the reconciliation stage after a disagreement because each makes every effort to act beyond what is expected of him. This is what we call the "sweetheart" stage, when the couple is getting to know each other without any pressure attached on their relationship. A couple making up for a wrong committed against the other will make use of every trick in the book to be forgiven. Saying "I’m sorry" is romantically done by sending short notes, simple gifts or flowers. A newly-wed couple will still retain the "sweetheart" stage early on in the marriage. This means saying sorry for doing something wrong is still an effortless action. After a while or after being married for quite sometime, the couple will become so familiar with each other that they treat the other not as a lover but the way they would treat other family members.. During this time, pride gets in the way and the words "I’m sorry" has taken a back seat. Saying that you are sorry is important in maintaining a good marriage. By saying "sorry", the damage done by too much familiarity and heartlessness against the other spouse heals a little. Staying married for years without uttering these words would mean the piling up of heartaches and even hatred in a couple's hearts. This is not healthy in a relationship because it alienates the other. Couples who have the tendency to fight, even over trivial things, should relearn the art of saying "I’m sorry". It is an art because it is a gift from within - but it has to be learned. Married couples who want to keep their marriage should relearn the art which was used when they were still dating. Saying sorry to your partner does not just tell him or her you are sorry for the things you have done. The important thing is that you are saying sorry because you have hurt your partner's feeling or that you did not mean to do so. Hearing sorry may not turn back the clock but it will somehow ease the pain. But saying "I’m sorry" without really meaning it can just worsen the fight. If the other spouse is not "dense", then the insincerity of the apology will be noticed. Of course, it is easier to say sorry to your officemates or friends, but saying sorry to one's spouse will make a difference in the relationship. The danger is you may have gotten so used to saying you’re sorry that it operates like a mantra when the other spouse accuses you of hurting his or her feelings. It will be like saying sorry without really meaning it. Saying that you are sorry should always be followed by a positive action from the erring spouse. While saying sorry is not the be-all and end-all of a marriage problem, it is a good start and will show the other couple that there is hope for the marriage and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep that marriage alive. Resolve conflicts quickly Recognizing marital conflicts and solving them fast Annie and Glenn were considered the perfect couple of the year when they were married in a small but picturesque chapel in Santa Monica two years ago. Annie was a 24 year old career girl while Glenn was on his way to becoming a successful lawyer. That was then when they were still carefree individuals who got involved in their relationship for a little fun and companionship. Marriage has made a very big difference in their lives. It seems to have ruined what they call magic. Both have attained their career goals. Annie now writes her own column in a business magazine while Glenn has been recruited by a top notch law firm. Their careers are going great; their marriage however is another story. Both are so busy with their own lives that they seem to have started growing apart. Most of their hours are spent at work, and on the rare occasions they see each other, they spend much of it in a shouting match. Annie and Glenn's dilemma is not uncommon to many married couples; in fact it is the rule rather than the exception. Married couples sometimes ask themselves why they are capable of doing things that could hurt the other spouse, despite the fact that they love each other so much. It is true when they say it is the person you love the most that can hurt you the most. This is true for most married couple who have not yet found a way to settle their differences and live with their then. Arguments are part and parcel of being married but it is up to the couple to find ways to lessen the frequency and the intensity of the argument. Sometimes, couples think having the same argument over and over again is a normal thing in marriage. Of course, it is a normal thing but it should not be a so. Common sources of conflict among married couples It is hard to live with another person because each one has his own personality and each person was brought up by their families differently. Conflicts arise when two personalities and two ways of life merge - each one wanting to be dominant. The main reason married couples have arguments is because they are two different people forced to live physically together, regardless of their quirks and personality. Unless you are a boring creature who does not want surprises, then you would find it fun to live with a person who is just like you and so predictable that you do not even speak to each other because one is aware of what other is thinking. Others believe differently, believing that when two people are so alike there is no need for the other, But there are specific issues that are pointed to as the common source of conflict and argument among married couples. 1. Money-Who does not need money? Of course everyone does, and the lack of excess of financial means will always serve as a launching pad for conflict. A couple who does not have enough money will have conflicts with budgeting and managing their finances. On the other hand, a couple who have plenty of resources will still quarrel over how the money is being spent. 2. Jealousy-A jealous lover adds sizzle to romance but when jealousy goes overboard it can make your married life miserable. A little jealousy will help make the relationship exciting but too much of it will alienate one spouse from the jealous spouse. People who have jealous spouses tend to curtail their emotional and intellectual development. 3. Sex-The lack or excess of sexual activity is also a source of conflict for married couples. Couples who have the same sexual preferences are lucky. For most couples incompatibility of their sexual desires is often the underlying reason for conflicts that are manifested in other ways. 4. In-laws-There are couples who incessantly quarrel just because of domineering in-laws who are interfering with the marriage. A couple may be living away from the in-laws but there are ways in-laws manage to ruin the marriage. It is really up to the spouses to inform their own families about the limitation that are to be observed to keep the marriage healthy and far from in-laws interference. 5. Responsibility - Who is in charge of cleaning the house? Who is in charge of paying for the monthly bills or the groceries? These are little things that boil down to the delegation of responsibilities between the spouses. It will be good if spouses can talk about who should be responsible for all the things necessary to keep the marriage on an even keel. There are other sources of conflict, most of them originating from the basic sources of conflict. Couples should be aware of the things that cause conflict between them so they can find a common solution to those conflicts. Being aware of conflicts and confronting them the as soon as possible will help the marriage and will avoid recurrence of such conflicts later on. Establish marital goals Improving Marriage: Establishing 4 Important Marital Goals Many marriages could have been saved all the troubles and hardships by maintaining a healthy relationship the couple started establishing their marital goals early in the relationship. Communication has always been one of the main factors in needed to hold a relationship together. Sharing your view on every important aspect in marriage is not only needed but is expected for both you. The Family That Prays Together Stays Together. The phrase above is so cliché, but religion has always been one of the major reasons for disagreements between couples. If the partners are of different faiths – such as protestant and catholic- one or the other may, or may not wish to attend the partner’s church every Sunday. Attending the church of his/her faith is important to them. While this does not seem to be a concern for some couples, it often results in being separated when Sunday arrives, and can result in a major distance between the couple that cannot be easily resolved. Religion should be discussed early in the relationship. Questions arise like: how often will they go to mass (if catholic); what religion will they be practicing; and if there are children, in which faith will they be raised? How they handle the different religions is crucial. These are basic questions that need to be answered before the couple is married. Spouse = Best Friend One’s spouse should always be his/her best friend. It does not mean blocking out other friends from coming into your life but more with taking each other for granted. There should always be constant communication, whether it’s as simple as a gossip that one or the other has heard or as serious as one’s hope and aspirations. Having a lengthy and enjoyable discussion with one’s wife/husband and understanding how they feel is very important in a lasting relationship. There should also be a set time allowed for just having fun, something to bring back the spark in relationship. It could be as simple as jogging together at the park, or walking the dog together. It could be a romantic date or something special that has been planned in advance. This will bring about strong and healthy relationship. Money, Money, Money Money is nearly always the primary main problem of any couple. It is not just a case of how to earn money but how should they spend it. First, how will a couple earn their money? What kind of jobs will they have and what hours will they be working? These are simple questions but will have a big impact on the couple’s life. Another question is will they allow the other to work or is one’s salary enough for the family? Lastly, how will a couple spend money? Daily needs, such as food, clothes, water and electricity are a given. Those are the necessities one needs to survive. There are, of course, other things to consider. Should couples start saving for their child’s education (if there are children)? How much of their earnings should go into their savings and how much of their savings will they spend for family fun and activities? Fruit of Love Children, if there are any, should always be a part of a couple’s goals. It is important to know and to understand each other’s feelings when it comes to parenting. How many children do you want? Is adoption an option if the couple can’t bear a child? Those questions are necessary for a couple to answer before they will be ready for a child. Other questions couples should ask themselves, include how to discipline a child; should the mother scold the child or should the father be the strict one; will the home be full of rules or should they just let their children learn on their own, with guidance every step of the way? Another point to consider is how their careers will be affected by having children. Supervision of the children when they are young is another consideration. Should one parent resign their current job and find a higher paying job so that the other could stay home and raise the child properly? A couple’s marital goals, whether short-term or long-term, are necessary to make sure that they’re going to be on the right track with their marriage. It is not enough that they know for certain that something will happen. They have to be prepared for it and be willing to sacrifice for the marriage to work. Never go to bed angry "The Key to a Solid Marriage"   "Never go to bed angry" is a cliché that we always hear. This has proven to be very sound advice, and is a motto that many couples live by. Marriage is the ultimate consummation for two people who are in love. Your wedding is not the "happy ending" to your love story, instead, it is just the beginning of your life together. For a married couple who is just starting out, petty fights and arguments can not be avoided. The first few years of your marriage will be the test if to determine if you can actually "live" with each other’s bad or annoying habits. The strength of your love for each other will serve as the "building block" of the rest of your years together. During petty fights, it is good to remember that having an argument is natural. You and your spouse are two different people and you can expect your individual personalities to clash. Here are some ways you and your spouse, as a married couple, can strengthen your bond and improve your marriage: 1. Fight if you need to. This is when the rule mentioned above will apply. As a couple, you will have arguments, disagreements, and conflicts of interest. Even a minor thing like household chores can lead to disagreements. The key to a ‘healthy’ argument is to get everything out in the open. Take a look at this example. During a quarrel the husband may be given the ‘cold’ shoulder by his wife. The wife thinks that her spouse is not being sensitive enough when it comes to her needs. He is caught totally unaware, but when he tries to confront the issue head-on his wife gives him the ‘silent treatment’. Eventually, their marriage will crumble because the anger on both sides is not dissipated. The wife was not able to let off ‘steam’ because she kept everything bottled up inside. In this case, it is better if you bluntly confront the problem. Argue and fight if you need to. At first, the two of you will be angry enough to confront each other. After you get everything out in the open, sound reasoning will rule and calmness will follow. After the storm, the two of you should be reasonable enough to listen to each other then come up with a solution and make up. Do not worry this may not always be the case. Your love for each other and the foundation that the two of you have established since you were married should help patch things up. Just remember to avoid keeping your feelings all bottled up inside. If you do this, past hurts will return and might eventually cause a huge argument that will be even harder to resolve. 2. Wipe the slate clean once you make up. After the fight, make sure that you both know what started the argument in the first place. You and your spouse might have entirely different reasons for being angry. Listen to each other and determine what caused the other to hurl accusations or hurtful words. If you are a husband exerting your ‘authority’ over your wife, she should know the way that you feel. If your spouse was hurt by something that you did not actually mean to do try to explain that you would never intentionally do anything to cause her to be hurt or angry. This leads to the basis and foundation of your marriage which is mutual love and respect, and you could eventually patch things up. 3. Do not be afraid to admit if you are wrong. Pride in marriage has a very expensive price to pay. Do not put this pride between you and your spouse. If you are in the wrong, do not be afraid to admit it, and then apologize. Remember that you are together in spite of your individual differences. Go back to what brought you together in the first place and you can never go wrong. By practicing these things and making it a habit to settle your fights before going to bed, you will have a solid and stable marriage that is based on trust and love. Plan time for romance "Re-introduce Romance into Your Married Life" In marriage, it is the woman who is most likely to complain that the romance is gone or missing from the relationship. After several years of being together, you might have become so used to each other that you both tend to forget to spice up the relationship with romance. The secret to a healthy and a happy marriage is to re-vitalize it by constantly thinking of ways to renew your vows and make each other feel how important you are to your partner. Here are some tips on how you can re-introduce romance into your married life to liven things up: 1. Reminisce about the good times that you had together. Life is too short to spend time dwelling on the bad things. Instead, turn it around and make the best out of the good times that you had together. Re-visit a romantic vacation spot where you celebrated your anniversary. For the husbands, "court" your wife again. Schedule regular dates and spend some time away from work, your house and your children. Having some ‘alone’ time together will surely liven things up a bit and start putting the romance back into your marriage. 2. Be more understanding and tolerant of your partner’s mistakes. It is said that the first few years of marriage are the best times that you have as a couple. As the years pass, you get to be more lax in showing your affection to your partner. You argue about little things and you find the marriage stifling. If you learn to become more understanding and tolerant of the other’s shortcomings, a lot of petty fights will be prevented. Also, learn to be more sensitive to the needs of one another. With a sprinkling of a more positive outlook in your married life, you’re sure to be get back on track and have a wonderful married life. 3. Be honest with your feelings. Generally, there is a misconception that you love your mate for what you think he or she is. In reality, you fell in love because of what you think that person will become for you. You expect your partner to change or be someone that they are actually not .This could lead to a lot of hurt and misunderstanding between a couple. Instead of trying to mold your partner into someone that you want them to be, why not look the other way? Find out what your partner thinks you should improve on. Try to think if this change will bring about a better you. This could lead to a lot more room for improvement in your married life, and allow your partner be happier with the new you. 4. Try to express your love for each other freely and be generous with compliments. Nobody ever turns a good compliment down. As a couple, freely complimenting each other – and doing this often – would help put the romance back into your married life. Also, over the years, you tend to overlook the basic things like thanking our spouse for a favor done, or complimenting her on looking great or saying I love you. If you just go back to basics and not forget these simple courtesies, you will have a more respectful relationship that you both will be contented with. 5. Talk and listen at the same time. A typical household problem is the wife nagging her husband. Try to prevent this by listening to each other and then take the time to let the other talk. Men are not compelled to talk as often as women. Try to balance this by making your husband talk while you listen, because he will likely just listen while you do the talking. Keeping your communications open is another way to improve your relationship. 6. Always be attractive for your partner. One of the most effective and sure fire ways to put romance back into your married life is by improving your appearance. If you have had your hair done in a certain style for years, why not try to change it to look a little different? Having your partner see you in a new light will may put the passion back into your marriage. All in all, you still need to "work" on keeping your marriage strong and alive. By re-introducing romance into your relationship, you are just might live the rest of your married life to the fullest! Explore common interests The Only Way to Spice up Your Marriage: Exploring Common Interests Married couples seem to go into a lull at some point in their shared lives. There will always come a time when someone works too hard while the other stays at home with their children. It is not really that bad, it is just the way things will be at one point. Someone has to work to sustain the whole family while the other one has to stay home to supervise the children. This is the lull, where everything, from morning to night, Monday until Sunday, seems to repeat itself. You go to work in the morning, you come home from work in the afternoon, you cook for your children, and you discipline your children. The routine is the same every day. A person has the tendency to get bored and will sometimes feel that the marriage is a total failure. This is when the couple should realize that they have to explore other areas of interests to prevent this lull from happening. This does not really have to mean that you should love and/or hate what your partner does... You just have to show genuine interest in every aspect of his/her personality. The easiest place to look would be into sports. Does your husband love to play or watch basketball/football/baseball games? Does your wife love to play tennis or volleyball? Maybe it’s time for you to have a change of heart and learn to like the sport your partner loves. Learn the basics, or perhaps, let your partner teach you and when your partner sees what you’re doing, he/she will appreciate it and return the favor the next time. Other games include board games where you could compete together with your children and have family time together. Puzzle games are another option. Both of could enjoy working together to complete the puzzle. Traveling might be another option. Many people love traveling and exploring new places certainly would end boredom. Travel by sea and experience "life in the slow lane". Another option is to travel by airplane so you could get to your destination faster and experience other places and cultures as you travel to Asia or Europe. Traveling is a sure way to stop the doldrums of marriage. Another interest you could both pursue would be interest in each others job. You don’t have to be an accountant to learn why your husband is worrying about a few cents missing or a computer programmer to realize why your wife has headaches because the function of this or that is not working. It only takes a few days to learn the basics of what your partner is doing. You don’t have to learn it all, just be interested enough in them to realize what your partner is having problems with. You could also pursue some religious interests. Join groups that will help you or your partner then perhaps you could help others with their problems. This would be fulfilling and a wonderful experience for both of you. Perhaps your partner reads a lot, there are a number of things you could do if that is the case. You could let him/her read to you before you sleep. Nothing beats the feeling of sleeping soundly with the one you love at your side. He/she will also love the feeling that you are secure with him/her. What if your partner is a writer? There are things you could do to help. If he/she writes articles then do the proofreading. Tell him/her your opinion on the subject matter. Do your best to understand what he/she writes and form your own opinion. Writers love criticism, too, since it’s one of the ways they’ll know that someone has read what they wrote. Criticize him/her or praise what he/she did. It’s the only way they’ll realize that you’ve done your "job" of reading his/her article. No matter what you do, the best thing is to put yourself into your partner’s shoes. Learn to love what he/she loves and show some interest in what he/she does. It is only way you can eliminate your boredom and you’ll learn to appreciate your partner more fully too. Share your fears and insecurities Sharing is loving, loving is sharing Talking is one way to share thoughts and feelings between partners. Research has shown that women actually talk more than men, in fact about three times more in terms of the number of words. This fact does not excuse men to from not talk. It is the men who "clam up" and refuse to talk. There are also cases where men who do more talking than women, just as there are cases where it is the women who talk a lot as well as those women who do not wish to talk a lot. There is actually no clear cut or fool proof way to judge who should do more of the talking or who should do less. It is primarily not about gender but about the individual themselves. Communication is a vital part of any relationship. Openness and honesty is a key ingredient to maintaining a kind of memorable relationship that is mutually loving and emotionally comfortable. The following are tips and possible activities one can do to get yourself or your partner to talk his/her heart out, and share voluntarily any fears and insecurities that either feels. Conversation helps partners form a solid bond that will not be easily eroded. Ask and you shall receive The best and simplest way to get a person to talk is by asking a question. It is best if the partner asks his/her partner how the day went or how they feel. Often it is best that partners ask each these questions after hours they have been apart most of the day; after work or after a long business trip, etc. But do not forget it is also important to ask sincerely looking straight into their eyes. Ask how he or she is feeling or has he/she experienced something they want to share? Sometimes the partner may not want to talk. Relax, let it be and be patient. Relationships are nurtured by respecting another’s decision - everything has its own proper time and place. Do not force it. Let him or her finish A very annoying habit some partners have is finishing the other partner’s sentences. Though you may have good intentions, when you think you are helping, the fact is – doing so creates the impression that the partner is getting impatient with the verbally challenged approach to sentence construction. The partner being corrected could either find this act rude. Go with the flow. Trust your partner’s judgment and verbal prowess. He or she will thank you for it in the long run. Stop, look and listen The most important advice anyone could receive is irrelevant if the one receiving the advice is not listening. The key to communication is in listening just as much as it is in the talking. One partner sometimes gets the other to talk by simply listening intently to what the other is saying. This gives the impression that what the other is saying is important. Verbal signals are just as important as non-verbal ones. Active listening is a good practice any time. It breaks down barriers and puts down any or all reservations one partner may have. But do not just listen; value what the other partner is saying. All it really takes is an ear and a heart to validate another’s existence. In summary, fears and insecurities are a part of everyone’s psyche. All one has to do is to share it in order to lighten any emotional load he or she may be carrying. But it is also similarly important that the one it is being shared with is listening and genuinely cares what the other is talking about. Sharing makes everyone human and humane. And it is a valuable gift that both women and men must cherish. Don't be afraid to cultivate your own interests The Key to a Lasting Marriage This quotable marriage quote from Rabbi Barnett R. Brickner proves to be very true, "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." Through years and years of romance novels, love ballads, and picture perfect movies, people have been brainstormed to believe that a perfect mate exists somewhere out there just waiting to be swept off their feet, or just suddenly ride in on a galloping horse complete with shining armor. But then again, after settling and being married for quite sometime, romance seems to fade a little in time, the spark seems to grow a little dimmer each time, and then the mate you have looked upon before as someone so right and perfect, turns out to be not so right and perfect after all. Most married couples get overwhelmed with the idea that they have found the right person, which often leaves them unmotivated to exert extra effort to keep the fire of love and romance aflame in their relationship. Remember, the years spent together in marriage don’t prove that you are already totally in tune with each other's emotions or completely know all about your mate's deepest thoughts and feelings. Being married is a constant and continuous learning process of how to become the right and perfect mate for your beloved spouse. And this is the key to a lasting and satisfying married life. Along the way, married couples may think that the relationship no longer has room to flourish or grow. This is not true. As long as there is a genuine interest in keeping the relationship constantly new and fresh spouses will always find a way to get through it. A great way to improve your married life when things seem to have hit a dead end is to cultivate your interests. These interests may include a shared interest of you and your partner or could also be you and your partner's individual interests. In this way, the strain of being predictable and unexciting is somehow prevented. How do you do this? 1. Cherish you and your spouse's compatibility in every way possible. Exert a genuine effort to seek out and discover the things that you and your spouse have in common. It will please and delight both of you to know that you are really a strong team with the many interests and characteristics that you share in common. 2. Be a friend to your spouse. The quickest way to improve your marriage is to show a keen interest in your partner's life. As the Roman poet Syrus puts it, "We are interested in others when they are interested in us". Ask questions about your partner's dreams. It will most definitely honor and compliment them to know that you are interested in you’re his or her innermost thoughts. 3. Make a list of recreational activities that your partner likes. Try to make it as long as possible. Then circle the activities that you sincerely think you will find pleasurable as well. Of course, there would probably be at least half a dozen of the listed activities that you can enjoy doing with your partner. The next task is The Key to a Lasting Marriage. This quotable marriage quote from Rabbi Barnett R. Brickner proves to be very true, "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." Through years and years of romance novels, love ballads, and picture perfect movies, people have been brainstormed to believe that a perfect mate exists somewhere out there just waiting to be swept off their feet, or just suddenly walk in on a galloping horse complete with shining armor. But then again, after settling and being married for quite sometime, romance seems to fade a little each time, the spark seems to go a little duller each time, and then the mate you have looked upon before as someone so right and perfect, turns out to be not so right and perfect after all. Most married couples get too overwhelmed with the idea that they have found the right person, which often leave them unmotivated to exert extra effort to keep the fire of love and romance aflame in their relationship. Remember, the years of being together in marriage don’t prove that you are already totally in tune with each other's emotions or completely know all about your mate's deepest thoughts and feelings. Being married is a constant and continuous learning process of how to become the right and perfect mate for your beloved spouse. And this is the key to a lasting and satisfying married life. Along the way, married couples may think that the relationship no longer has room to flourish or grow. Well, this is not true. As long as there is a genuine interest in keeping the relationship constantly new and fresh, spouses will always find a way to get through it. A great way to improve on your married life when things seemed to have hit a dead end is to cultivate your interests. These interests may include a shared interest of you and your partner, and could also be you and your partner's individual interest. In this way, the strain of being predictable and unexciting is somehow prevented. How do you do this? 1. Cherish you and your spouse's compatibility in every way possible. Exert a genuine effort to seek out and discover the things that you and your spouse are interested. This will definitely please and delight both of you to know that you are really a strong team with the many interests and characteristics that you share in common. 2. Be a friend to your spouse. The quickest way to improve on your marriage is to show a keen interest in your partner's life. As the Roman poet Syrus puts it, "We are interested in others when they are interested in us". Ask questions about your partner's dreams. It would most definitely honor and compliment them to know that you are interested in your partner's innermost thoughts. 3. Make a list of recreational activities that your partner is inclined to. Try to make it as long as possible. And then, circle out the activities that you sincerely think you will find pleasurable as well. Of course, there would most probably at least half a dozen of the listed activities that you can enjoy doing with your partner. The next task is to schedule these activities into you and your partner's recreational time. Nothing beats spending quality time with your spouse! 4. Keep your spouse interested in you. As the years of marriage grow people tend to be less mindful of who they were prior to getting into the relationship. Married people become dull people because they fail to cultivate their own personal interests and get totally engrossed in their partner's affairs or about the family in general. Neglect of one's personal pleasures and interest will slowly blunt the once sharp and wonderful personality of an individual. It is also a must for one to find ways to keep the spark of life within ablaze. Get into a hobby. Or maybe do activities that you enjoy doing by yourself by finding some alone time. This will not only be a great way to de-stress, but will also help improve your marriage by bringing something interesting into the family with the new things you learn through your personal recreational projects. Never succumb to jealousy "Marriage Woes: Why Am I Jealous?"   One of the most common problems that married couples encounter is the occasional bout of jealousy. This has been known to start arguments, cause pain and eventually rip two people apart. As a part of a married couple, you would know whether you have the tendency to be jealous with reasons that are most often not justified enough. You and your partner might be having a lot of arguments over this attitude that you have. Instead of being obsessed with it, you can actually channel this negative feeling and know the deeper reason of why you get jealous. Here are some tips on how you can improve on your marriage by trying to avoid succumbing to jealousy: 1. Get an insight of your inner self. Ask yourself why you tend to get jealous unreasonably. Does your partner actually show signs that you should not trust him or her? Trust is the antidote to the traitorous feeling of jealousy. If you trust your partner enough, you should learn not to succumb to the feeling of insecurity or jealousy when your partner tries to befriend a member of the opposite sex. Ask yourself if it is really worth your time and emotional effort to get jealous for no reason at all. 2. Remember that a small dose of jealousy is actually healthy for a relationship. As long as it does not amount to obsessive proportions, a little jealousy is actually healthy for your marriage. The feeling of being jealous comes from the desire to preserve your relationship. It also boils down to the feeling of possessiveness towards your partner which is the result of your love for each other. There is nothing wrong with having this feeling because it is man’s natural instinct to protect his ‘territory’. Just make sure that you know how to do it in a manner that will not be hurtful to you or to your partner. After all, your purpose is to protect your partner and preserve your relationship. If you keep these goals in mind, you can try to not to curb your jealousy and use it in a more positive way to improve your relationship. 3. Track down the root of these feelings. The way that you feel is the outcome of a certain situation. Ask yourself why you have a feeling of jealousy. If this feeling actually comes from an insecurity that you have it could be a feeling of shortcoming that you are lacking in something. Or it could be a result of a deep-seated doubt that you have in about relationship with your partner. This can also be caused by fear, or a past hurt that you have carried in to adulthood. There are a lot of sources and endless possibilities of where this emotion may be coming from. Try to look within yourself and find out the reason for this. Once you have determined the reason, you will have a better understanding of why you have such feelings and learn to deal with it better. 4. Keep in mind that there are other types of jealousy. You might be jealous because of the possibility that your partner may cheating on you. It could be that you are jealous of the things that your partner has and you do not. By going to the root of the problem, you can properly address your feelings. 5. Ask yourself about what this feeling does to your partner. Jealousy has been known to cause breakups and rifts in a relationship. Just think about how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of your partner’s jealousy. How would you feel, and how would you react? By putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, you would learn that this might give him/her a stifling feeling which might later lead to bigger problems. 6. Have a better sense of self to prevent irrational jealousy. If the root of your feeling stems from a low self-esteem, try to work on changing your attitude and learn to develop a greater feeling of self-worth. This would help you curb the irrational tendencies to be jealous and help heal yourself in the process. 7. Finally, you should learn to take risks. The feeling of jealousy is also caused by a fear of being disappointed and getting hurt in the process. In love and in life, you should learn to take risks because that is the only way that you can put yourself out there and really get to be with the one you love. By mulling over these things, you can learn not to succumb to the feeling of jealousy and have a more stable and love-filled married life.