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Chapter One
Introduction to Pre Teen Parenting
Chapter Two
HOW DID WE GET HERE?
Chapter Three
REDEFINING ROLES
Chapter Four
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PRETEEN
Chapter Five
DISCIPLINE…?
Chapter Six
ENGAGING THE WORLD
Chapter Seven
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES: THE SEX TALK
Chapter Eight
ENJOYING THIS STAGE
CONCLUSIONS
Chapter One
Why the Preteen?
Some of you may be wondering, why the preteen? Why the focus on this intervening phase between being a child and being a teenager? What is so special about this stage anyway?
Well, that’s a sensible question to ask. Actually, this stage is not only special; it is in fact crucial for both the preteen and the parent. What goes on in these years will eventually shape the kind of relationship that will exist between them well into adulthood.
The preteen phase differentiates itself from early childhood as the child begins to adopt a slightly more mature perspective on things. The child goes through a myriad of changes; in the way they look, in the way they think, in the way they see themselves and others. Everything in the mind of a preteen is in constant motion.
Think of a bowl of liquid jello with different kinds of fruits being introduced into the mix. This is your preteen in a flux, quite confused by all the new developments she’s encountering. As you continue to stir within the bowl, your preteen explores, experiments, asks questions, and tries to deal with the new elements as best as she can. In a few more moments, the liquid jello begins to thicken and it becomes a bit heavier to stir. At this point, your child may have taken on some ideas and gained a few answers. She’s probably chosen some friends too. She’s not sure yet, but she’ll try them on for size. Oh, there’s still room to stir in a few adjustments for the jello. This is akin to fine-tuning the character of your child after all the trial and error. The contents of the bowl are less liquid now, and more solid. Your preteen has probably found a comfortable way of doing things and is beginning to feel settled. One minute later, the jello is set, all fruits are in place, and your child will be a teenager. As her parent, wouldn’t you want as much quality "stirring" time as you can have?
Who is the preteen?
The "preteen" is generally considered to be a child of the ages 10, 11, and 12 years old. In cultures where mass media is more pervading and modernization more influential over the minds of youth, the age of nine is considered preteen as well. Since a small percentage of girls begin to menstruate at the age of nine, we too shall officially define the preteen ages as 9 to 12 years old, for the purposes of this report.
Along with the numerical age group, the definition of a preteen is really a mental age that manifests itself in certain outward signs. Dressing up is a simple example with many implications.
Preteens shed their idea of fashion as role-playing to emulate super heroes, princesses and other idolized characters. They now discover their personal clothing style as an extension of their personalities, and as identification of being "cool". However, they usually find their fashion expression stunted by the dictates of norms. Girls especially find themselves expected to wear clothing they find too ‘kiddy’ for their double-digit age. They may be frowned upon if they wear the more radical fashion that teenagers go by. Fortunately today, there are a few merchants who cater specifically to preteens, sensing the need for articles of clothing that are not only suitable for this age group, but fashionably appealing to it as well.
At a family gathering or social function, you may find preteens at an awkward place. They’re definitely not going to join the smaller kids in the games. Yet, they don’t feel comfortable sitting with the adults nor do they have the confidence (or interest) that older teens have in joining more mature conversations. It seems that the preteens’ saving grace in these situations is to find and stick with other preteens like themselves, preferably other kids of the same sex. Apparently the comfort and confidence levels between preteen boys and girls together in public are not as solid as they were just a few years ago, or as they will be again a year or two from now. Ironically, it’s because there’s a new and unfamiliar attraction between genders that these kids are still struggling to understand. Simply put by seventh-grader Nicole (11), "I wouldn’t want people to think that I like him or anything…"
Who is the preteen parent?
Jeanne (38) is a mother of two boys. Joshua, her eldest, is 9. The youngest is Nigel, 7. The two boys have always been best companions, except when in competition for their mother’s attention. The boys would literally shove each other out of the way just trying to be the one "next to Mom". Imagine Jeanne’s surprise when she invited both boys to walk with her to the grocery, and while Nigel immediately ran to her side, Joshua told Jeanne that he didn’t "feel like it". Well, feel like it or not, Jeanne knows that Joshua is too young to be left at home by himself so he didn’t really have a choice. After she told Josh that he had to come anyway, he threw back his head and rolled his eyeballs, then reluctantly followed her to the door with heavy footsteps. Jeanne was shocked!
If you are a preteen parent, you too may often find yourself surprised and flustered, sometimes even mildly shocked if the preteen happens to be your eldest. While your child goes on unaware of how his behavior is gradually changing, you seem to notice nothing BUT the changes. This is why it is important to be prepared for this stage. There is a lot going on in your preteen child; and as the parent, it’s your responsibility to understand this new context. Through understanding, you’ll find that you too will need to undergo some changes in your parenting as well. As we go on, we’ll discuss how these changes are not meant to compromise your parental authority nor alter any of the values you wish to impart. Rather, these adjustments are meant for you to effectively continue your role as a constant guiding force behind your child, while allowing an improved and much more enjoyable relationship with your preteen.
SO, WHY THE PRETEEN?
Remember the old adage that says, "as parents, there comes a point when you will have to let your children go, trusting only that what you’ve ingrained in them through the earlier years has prepared them sufficiently to go on their own through whatever lies ahead"? Well, since all parents were once teenagers, you can look back and agree that by the teen years it is hoped that the parents have let go. It’s during the childhood years (up to age seven and eight) when you ingrain the rules and impart the values. The preteen years now become your crucial testing ground. Without needing to be told, your children will explore their independence and enforce their individuality. Nevertheless, preteens still seek the safety and familiar comfort of a parent, though maybe not in the totally dependent context that younger children do. As a prepared preteen parent, this is the time to examine their behavior for corrections or adjustments and offer guidance to align their decision-making. In essence, for both the child and the parent, the preteen years become the preparation for letting go.
This is why the preteen stage is so vital. Once the kids hit their teens, parents can only step back and watch as their children engage the world. Having said that, it is important to stress at this point that the preteen years must be regarded as a stage in itself, not just a transitory springboard "that will pass soon enough". Often called a "tween", being a preteen is more than just about being in between two major age groups. While this stage may be shorter than childhood-proper or the total number of teen years, it is just as essential in the total formation of the person that is your child.
Chapter Two
How Did We Get Here?
The fact that preteen parenting concerns you as a reader reveals that you’ve made the effort towards better parenting during the earlier years.
It may also mean that you sense an air of transition in your relationship with your preteen, wherein rules and remedies from those years don’t seem as applicable any more.
Susan is a single mom to Tracy who just turned 12. Since Tracy was a baby, Susan made it a point to keep her relationship with her only child very close. Susan doted on her, and naturally, Tracy adored her mother. The two would exchange the high and low points of each other’s day and Tracy would often confide in Susan about her latest middle-school crisis. Lately however, Susan has noticed that Tracy has been less than her usual cheery self. She has little news for Susan at the end of the day, and seems to be sad or upset about something. Susan is sure that something’s wrong on Tracy’s end, but Tracy hasn’t said anything to her mother about it. After a few days, Susan tried to reach out to her daughter, taking Tracy aside for a heart -to-heart talk after dinner.When asked about what was bothering her however, Tracy answered "Nothing." When Susan persisted, insisting it was obvious that something was going on, Tracy even seemed annoyed at her mother’s concern and replied more firmly, "I said that it’s was nothing. Mom. Really, nothing!" This was right before Tracy stormed off to her room and closed the door. Susan was taken aback. She wonders, "What’s happening here, where did I go wrong? What changed between us since last month?"
As a preteen parent, you are at this point of questioning, and of seeking answers to questions that you’d thought you’d already answered. Apparently, the questions are quite the same, but the answers are different. You now wonder when they changed, and whose fault it is. The truth is it’s no one’s fault. Another comforting truth is that these changes aren’t happening in isolation, or only to specific child-parent relationships. It’s not just Susan and Tracy, and it’s definitely not just you. While we cannot justify saying it’s a universal phenomenon, there is sufficient social and psychological data to say that these changes in the behaviors of preteens, ultimately affecting their relationships with their parents are a normal and natural function of their transitional ages. This now implies that, while your children’s thoughts and actions are evolving in the way that nature has programmed them to, there is an onus upon you as a parent to understand what’s going on inside your children’s psyches without necessarily depending on your kids to explain themselves, as if what’s happening were some aberration against society.
THAT is how we got here.
There are however, a few assumptions that we should point out before going on to address the concerns of preteen parenting. As mentioned in the first chapter, your parental involvement during the preteen years is mainly for correction, adjustment and further reinforcement as your children attempt to assert their independence.
These years are not the time for you to be introducing basic values and fundamental belief systems that you assume to have ingrained in your kids during their first 7-8 years of life. We are assuming that your preteen children have a pretty solid idea by now of what is right as against what is wrong. They’ve classified behavior according to how you have translated your core values into the different rules that have governed your children’s behavior thus far.
We further assume that you have set the foundation for these values in your children during their earliest years. The foundation we mean is the rationale behind WHY something is right or good, and WHY another thing is considered wrong or improper. You may have done this in the preschool years, through explaining the moral lessons of their favorite fairy tales or bedtime stories. As they grew a bit older, you may have created analogies of situations they could relate to, or cited learning points from actions and consequences that were presented in their favorite television program.
As they get older, the situations your children face continue to change. During the preteen years, as well as in the teen years later on, you will be required to further transpose the same core values into new rules that are more applicable to the predicaments of the middle years.
The supposed assumptions are important, because:
1. They do not absolve your child from accountability for his or her actions. Despite all the normal behavioral changes that children of this age go through, being a preteen is not a license to behave inappropriately, or to belie the values that your family upholds.
2. These assumptions imply that as a parent, you already have the blueprint from which to draw new but morally consistent guidelines that will be more appropriate to the circumstances your preteen children may encounter.
The two ideas mentioned above are crucial in preserving a peaceful and pleasantly loving relationship with your preteen. We will discuss the concept of discipline more exhaustively in a future chapter. For now, suffice it to say that ‘being on the same page’ in as far as the fundamental beliefs you hold in the early years, and its translation into the new realities your child faces today, is the key in avoiding the confrontational and tumultuous atmosphere that has been a stereotype of many parents’ teen and preteen encounters.
While it is comforting to know that the change in your relationship with your child is normal, it does not and should not dissuade you from finding out where the changes are coming from, what is going on with your preteen child, and how you should respond.
Nathan and Marla were shocked to learn from a co-parent in their son’s class, that there was no choir practice last Saturday as 12-year old Jake had told them. Jake had asked permission to go to choir practice that morning and was gone for more than three hours. All along Nathan and Marla believed that he was in school with the choir, exactly as he’d said. Jake’s parents didn’t know what to think, because he had never pulled anything like this on them before. He has always been a very honest and obedient boy, and has been a straight-A student too. After confronting Jake about this, Jake timidly confessed that he only made up the story about choir practice because he was afraid that he would not be allowed if he asked permission for the real thing. The ‘real thing’ was a Saturday of swimming at the lake with some friends.
If you’re like the typical parents that Nathan and Marla are, you would probably be more shocked about your child blatantly lying to your faces than for any reason he may have given you behind it. Jake’s parents had been so sure till now that Jake was very clear on what the rules are, and on the reasons behind them. He is also fully aware of the consequences for disobedience, and has experienced them on occasion for much milder infractions before. As a whole though, Jake has always been a model of good behavior, especially ‘for a boy’ as his aunts and uncles would say.
Now, all Nathan and Marla could surmise was that they had failed somehow as parents, and that Jake has gone out of his way to defy them. They believe Jake’s decision to lie was an intentional act meant to rebel against his parents.
On Jake’s end of the spectrum, he admits that what he did was wrong, but insists that it had nothing to do with his parents at all. Jake says it was not his intention to ‘defy’ his parents, but to find a way to pursue something he really wanted to explore but may not have been allowed to.
As parents, we can readily identify with how Nathan and Marla feel. We see immediately how they might arrive at such a conclusion.
Would it shock you however, to consider that Jake really didn’t mean to hurt his parents? That maybe the pull of immediate gratification to go swimming was his goal and not the objective of betraying his parents’ trust. True, in the process, he was still hurting his parents. He knew it was wrong but he went on with it anyway, only intending to enjoy himself, not to denounce his upbringing.
Most of you must be saying, why dichotomize between what he did and what his intention were? Because in the mind of your child, there was a real dichotomy between his objectives, even if in the end, the outcome was the same.
This fact in turn will dictate a different sort of reinforcement, from what you may have been accustomed to giving in the younger years. Such are the pending issues as your child transitions away from his early childhood perspectives.
Before Jake’s parents go on to blame themselves, or to condemn their son for suddenly turning into a ‘bad boy’, they need to understand the changes going on inside Jake’s preteen mind.
Chapter Three
Redefining Roles
Let’s first put changes in perspective. From a psychological standpoint, the preteen child attempts to personally interpret the parental / familial scripting of his childhood in the light of his own social and emotional realities. When you hear your preteen trying to ‘rationalize’ his way out of a ‘sticky situation’ with you, he’s not necessarily being a ‘smart aleck’ in the disrespectful sense. In fact, he’s probably honestly trying to work the situation out in his head, interpreting his predicament in the light of the options he found available and what he knows he should and should not do. Of course these interpretations will be subject to certain liberties, that you will be required to straighten out; but do acknowledge that your child is exercising his logic. You won’t always be by his side in the real world 24 hours a day, so his attempt to think for himself should be seen as a positive thing that you still have the opportunity to align.
The question of most of you may be, "but WHY is my (preteen) child being so stubborn all of a sudden, as if he knows everything?!" Well, none of us ‘know everything’, but at this age, the simple truth is that your child certainly does know MORE than you may be accustomed to crediting him for.
Bloom’s Levels of Knowledge
To better understand the kinds of changes going on in your child’s thought processes and decision-making, let’s look at Bloom’s Levels of Knowledge. In 1956, members of the educational psychology academe led by Benjamin Bloom published the Taxonomy of Educational Objectives. In one of those handbooks representing the cognitive domain (mental learning), Bloom outlined six categories of learning behavior that have been commonly referred to as his ‘levels of knowledge’. These categories, arranged in increasing levels of difficulty, describe the kind of mental-processing skills that a child or person uses to learn most effectively from the environment in which he or she is in. While this study was meant to address learning behavior in an educational setting, it also gives parents a better grasp of how their children approach situations and develop problem-solving skills at the different age levels.
Bloom and his colleagues published these six categories in ascending order of difficulty: Knowledge, Comprehension, Application, Analysis, Synthesis, and Evaluation. Most pertinent to you as the parent of a preteen is the third one, Application, while the first two provide your child’s foundation. Let’s look at a concrete example of the first three.
1. KNOWLEDGE: The most basic of all. It involves recalling previously learned items of data and information.
Example: Your preschool child can remember his address, knows where his school is, and is aware that it is four blocks away from his house.
2. COMPREHENSION: Beyond just knowing, this category requires understanding of the meaning or implications of the data known. It usually manifests in having the learner translate information into his own words.
Example: Your grade school daughter can make a map of the safest route(s) for her to take to and from school each day, understanding how many minutes each of the routes will take and where it will pass.
3. APPLICATION: This entails employing previously known information in new or current situations to solve problems or best achieve objectives.
Example: Your middle school son decides to take one route to school on rainy / snowy days, and a different route on sunny days, depending on which way he can safely get himself to school fastest. Again depending on the situation of the day, he may decide to walk or to ride his bike to school.
Older preteens may occasionally venture into the three higher categories, as with situations they are very familiar with and have more confidence over. For the most part however, you may notice that your preteen has been exploring the limits of Bloom’s 3rd category, applying his own judgments based on what he knows (including all you have taught him previously) to whatever he is facing now. As mentioned earlier, he is slowly preparing himself to be on his own.
So what role is being redefined right here? See that your child is no longer your rote-following dependent. You are now the parent of a budding independent thinker!
Authority vs. Values
Corollary to this unfolding of your child’s thinking and behavior, you as the parent must make a shift in the way you relate to him. In the younger years of childhood, parental authority was clearly defined physically, mentally and emotionally. You were much bigger than your child, you knew so much more than him; and he in turn, was utterly dependent on you for just about everything. Well, now your child is gaining on you in size, and by virtue of this techno-media world that he’s growing up in, may be learning quite a bit more than what you knew at his age. He’s also old enough to do many things for himself, and quite the opposite of being dependent on you, he’s probably yearning for independence. At this point, relying on authority alone to impose your views and enforce your choice of actions upon your child will not only be received poorly. It will also squander the opportunity for truly ‘teachable moments’ that will build your preteen’s proactive use of good judgment in the future.
While parental authority per se should not diminish, it can no longer be the sole basis for demanding your child’s obedience. In fact, one desired outcome of the preteen years is that your child transitions from pure obedience of your instructions into voluntary compliance due to his own good judgment. This can happen if as parents, instead of just telling your preteen the right thing to do (which is what we almost always told them as young children), we instead help them figure out WHY it is the right thing to do in the first place. You must focus beyond the action or decision and highlight the value behind it.
11-year old Amanda was in the middle of a discussion with her parents about why they absolutely needed to buy her the latest designer jeans being modeled by her current television teen-pop icon. "Some of the girls in class have gotten them already or are planning to get a pair!" While Bob and Linda could see how much their daughter clearly wanted these jeans, they also knew that their budget for the next two months was practically at its limit. Moreover, they weren’t too keen about denim pants that cost three times more than the price of normal jeans (which Amanda certainly had enough of), just because the teen singing sensation’s name was glittered across the back pocket. Linda told Amanda how it didn’t seem possible right now because the jeans were so expensive. Linda didn’t stop there however, because she knew that Amanda’s keen sense of observation could pick up on even more expensive things that were paid for in the last month or so, like the latest check for her braces, or the new vacuum cleaner they bought to replace the old broken one. Bob and Linda went on to talk to Amanda about the difference between ‘want’ and ‘need’, as a precursor to introducing the values of prioritizing and living within their means.
Make sure that you remain faithful to your real reason(s) for dissenting (or encouraging) something when you bring up the values behind it. In Amanda’s case, her parents highlighted an economic value, not a particular objection to the item itself. This helped Amanda see where her parents were coming from. It made her realize they weren’t just being insensitive or difficult.
The ‘want vs. need’ part was also a practical framework that she can measure her decisions against in the future. However, since Joe and Linda didn’t directly dissuade her from the jeans themselves, Amanda may came up with the idea of taking on chores or odd jobs over the weekend to make some money and save up for them herself. Joe and Linda have to negotiate with Amanda on this one (as long as the ‘jobs’ are safe, manageable, and don’t get in the way of homework) because if their objection was based on the idea of expensive branded jeans in the first place, then they should have highlighted the moral value of simplicity instead. Besides, if the idea to work and earn some money to get those jeans came from Amanda, it shows not only initiative, but also how much this really means to her. On her own, she is discovering the value of industry, and her parents should proudly point that out to her as well.
Fear vs. Influence
Making this shift in parental approach by stepping away from pure authority and moving towards value-based guidance marks a change in the definition of your role in the life of your preteen. Redefined is the role of parent as some sort of ‘family police’ obeyed out of fear because s/he made the rules and has the power to warrant disciplinary action. What is the new definition, you may ask? You, your words and your actions are now a model of influence for your preteen. By force of nature, changes are going on inside your child. Now to respond effectively, by sheer will, you too need to go through some changes of your own.
For parents going through their eldest child’s preteen transitions, this first time around must be quite disorienting. For years you have been parenting ‘by the rules’, and going by your authority. If you have children younger than your preteen, you continue to do so by them as well. For your thinking, discerning preteen however, your policing role will have to take a back seat to your role in guiding him through discernment. Remember the assumptions we discussed in Chapter Two? Your preteen already knows the rules! By your influence this time, help him discover why the rules were there in the first place.
Be prepared to walk the talk. From the time your children were preschoolers, you’ve been the role model for the kind of behavior you wanted them to emulate. Realize that not only are preteens more observant and more discerning now than at any previous time of their lives, but they are also exposed to slightly more profound issues where they may need your influence. It’s easy enough to show your six year-old that you throw your litter in the trash bin and that you don’t pick your nose in public. It would likewise help your 10-year old to see that you are honest, that you keep your promises and that you know how to share.
Chapter Four
Communicating With Your Preteen
Introduction to PRIVACY
Olivia has always been intrigued by whatever her 9-year old daughter Patty could be writing about fervently in her journal every night. She knows that Patty makes the effort to hide the journal in one of her shoeboxes, but Olivia has never dared try to read it even while Patty was in school. It does make Olivia wonder however, why Patty feels she needs to even hide her journal at all.
Dan on the other hand has decided that it was his right as Troy’s father to check the messages on his 12-year old son’s mobile phone. He figured there was no harm, since Dan only did it after Troy had gone to sleep. After all, he’d bought that phone himself and given it to Troy as a present on his birthday. Imagine Dan’s consternation one night as he checked Troy’s phone, to find that Troy had deleted all the instant messages in BOTH his Inbox and Outbox!
We’ll go back to Olivia and Dan in a while. Now think, which parent are you? Different parents will stand on such different positions across the spectrum of this particular topic. The common well it all springs from is that preteens are beginning to demarcate their need for privacy. Seeking privacy from your parents must sound absurd to a parent, in whose house his child is still living.
In this age of technology, mass media and multiple influences, most parents argue that checking their children’s journals, cellular phones and email messages is just a function of keeping their child safe. While this may be true, you must also look at how your actions are further affecting your child. What messages are you sending them? Aren’t there more proactive ways to ensure your child’s well-being?
Why is your preteen seeking out his privacy? Privacy is but a manifestation of your child requesting your respect for him as he embarks on this new stage in his life. Although your preteen may clearly be a child to you and to the rest of the world, in his own mind, he does not think of himself as a child any more in the same way that his five- year-old brother is a child. He feels that he is becoming a person in his own right, with his own social circle, his own issues and his own personal dreams. He feels a need to carve his own space in the family. It’s hard to understand when or why children begin to feel that sharing absolutely everything that’s going on with their parents is ‘corny’, but that’s the way it is. For those who really need an answer to that, look back on your own growing up years and try to remember the feeling.
How do you reconcile your ‘investigations’ as a parent with only the safety and welfare of your child in mind, with your preteen’s plea for privacy, which we’ve defined as a subsequent request for respect and a need to be recognized as his own person? Let’s check back in with Olivia and Dan.
Olivia must be working on the same assumptions we had in the second chapter. She probably feels assured enough to think that if Patty had a really big problem or was in any sort of trouble she couldn't face on her own, she would tell her mom. Olivia is tempted to peek into Patty’s journal more out of natural curiosity than any real worry. She’s refraining from doing so, only because she can still remember her own preteen years, and how she’d feel if her own mother peeked into her journal – WHETHER or NOT she’d found out or not eventually. In that sense, Olivia is recognizing Patty as her own person now, and the journal as part of Patty’s private world.
Dan, on the other hand, tells himself that while he knows Troy as a smart and responsible young boy, Dan would just like to make sure that the people around him are the same way too. He figures that by going behind Troy’s back when checking his son’s phone, he’s sparing Troy the sense of invasion.
Did you notice how Olivia’s actions reflected her beliefs, while Dan’s actions belied his own thoughts? No judgment is being passed on Dan, because his concerns mimic the concerns of every parent across the globe. Dan says he trusts his son to be smart and responsible, yet habitually going behind his son’s back to check on him says otherwise.
Also, and this is not good, how can Dan be absolutely sure that Troy has never even once quietly woken up to the sight of his father sneakily reading his phone messages while he is though to be asleep? For all Dan knows, that’s the reason Troy has thought of clearing his message boxes at the end of the day. Whether or not Troy had actually found out though, each time Dan attempts this, he risks losing his son’s trust - the same trust that Dan is banking on his son.
One of the worst things that can happen from Dan’s situation is for
Troy to start deliberately hiding things from him. In the effort to know more about what is going on in his son’s life, the wrong approach may create the opposite effect. To start with, there was probably never anything Troy said or did that was worth hiding anyway. Still, the sense of needing to protect his privacy after a breach can drive the confused boy to be more secretive and insecure.
Fortunately, there is another way for Dan, Olivia and other parents to remain ‘in the loop’ of what is going on in their preteen children’s lives. You can do it the old fashion way - through open communication - but you will have to relearn the skill of ‘neutral listening’.
Neutral Listening
You may find it tricky to maintain communication with your preteen child that is as open as it was in the earlier years. Some kids are willing to share everything with their parents, including crushes, secrets and all their problems. On the other hand, some boys prefer to keep things to themselves while some girls begin to prefer confiding in their best friends instead of in their parents. Whichever type your child may be, it is beneficial for both of you that communication lines remain open in a way that is neither forced nor pretentious.
Whether this child is your first preteen or not, neutral listening will take a lot of effort getting used to. You’ve been parenting at least one child, for at least eight years, so it’s second nature for you to exclaim, "NO!" "STOP!" and "DON’T YOU DARE" intermittently. Neutral listening asks that you engage in conversation with your child without passing judgment unless you are asked for your opinion. Moreover, even when asked for your opinion, what you say is just as important as how you say it.
The key objective of neutral listening is that you create a non-threatening environment for your child to express himself in around you. Remember that for every reply you give, your child receives it on two levels. On the first level, your child tries to understand what you mean literally. On the second level, your preteen is reading into your response (including your tone and your body language) to gauge if he should tell you any more. Sometimes, children aren’t even looking for an active response in as much as they just want to share some anecdote about their day like they would with their friends.
Over ice cream last Sunday, Cindy listened as her 10-year old Timmy shared with her how he spent the Friday night sleepover at his friend’s house. He started by telling Cindy how they’d missed the school bus, and so decided to just walk the few blocks to the house. He was laughing as he told her how they’d ended up running half-way home in the rain, because of a sudden afternoon shower. Cindy’s first instinct was to say "WHAT?! You ran in the rain?! Why didn’t you go and find shelter first like you’re supposed to?!" Cindy bit her lip instead and smiled, seeing how animatedly Timmy was describing their adventure. She also knew that if she interjected like that now, she probably wouldn’t get to hear any more of his story. Timmy would feel threatened in continuing because further reprimands might come his way, not to mention that his mom’s outburst had taken all the fun out of the sharing.
By choosing to listen without judgment and listen neutrally, Cindy heard all about the sleepover, learned more details about her son’s friends and all the interests that they shared. Cindy’s end of the conversation was mostly appropriate laughter and well-placed follow up comments that encouraged more sharing from her son.
Besides creating a special bonding moment, neutral listening allows conversations between parents and preteens to serve as an "open door" that your children will feel secure in using again in the future. Eventually, not all the talks will be about funny stories. Remember that neutral listening is especially crucial when the conversation is about an issue very important to your child. At times, your opinion may be asked for. Be sure that you deliver it clearly, grounding it upon a familiar value that your child has grown up with, but without needing to pass judgment upon your child or upon anyone that he clearly values. Criticizing a treasured friend may result in your child closing the door slightly, because it hurts him to hear his friend being so judged by their parent. If necessary, call attention to an action instead of a person, so that your child sees that you aren’t interested in condemning anyone, but only interested in his welfare.
Reading into what is not said
As was mentioned, despite the art of neutral listening, not all preteens will be as forthcoming in communicating details of their blooming private world with their parents. Rather than see this as some failure on your part (especially if your child is one of the more private ones), realize that the difference in degrees of communication is more a function of your child’s personality than anything else.
Remember Susan and her 12-year old daughter Tracy? Susan was the worried Mom because she felt that something was definitely bothering Tracy, but Tracy seemed unwilling to clue her mother in to whatever it was.
What worried Susan even more was that Tracy was normally a very talkative girl around her mother, but lately the talk had turned to trivial everyday things, not much of the sharing Susan was expecting.
As worried as Susan was, all she could do was assure Tracy that she could always talk to her mother about anything. If Tracy continues to keep her problem to herself, Susan can only hope that all the previous years of talking and reinforcing values have strengthened Tracy enough to face whatever her problems are. Susan also hopes Tracy’s good judgment will dictate that she can talk about her problem with a school counselor or a trusted friend, if things become too much to bear and if Tracy is still uncomfortable about talking to her mother.
What happens to what is not said? Well the response of a loving parent need not be articulated either. It boils down to common sense. If your child is bothered, soothe her. If your child feels scared, assure her. A warm hug, renting your child’s beloved comfort-movie, or making her favorite pasta dish will do wonders in telling your preteen that you love her and that you wish her well, whatever she’s going through. More importantly, your child will feel that you are present in her life in the ways that matter to her, and that if the time comes when she wants to talk about it, you’ll be there.
Does this mean that you have now been officially relegated to the back-seat driver’s role in your child’s life?
Objectives vs. Outcome
If your objective in morally and emotionally ‘training’ your preteen is for her to become a teenager with strength of character who can make sound, principle-based decisions on her own, then yes, you may begin warming up the ‘back seat’. Those objectives are as important, if not more vital, than whatever the outcome of her issues will be. It is the process that builds character, and she will come out of it all much stronger either way. For all purposes and intents of course, you are still the principal source of guidance for your child, whenever it is warranted.
In Susan’s case, she decided not to press the issue with Tracy, because after reminding Tracy that she was there for her, Tracy made the decision to go through it all without confiding in her mother. Susan put her trust in Tracy’s decision. Besides, the exercise of allowing Tracy to resolve a crisis on her own would ultimately make Tracy a stronger and wiser person coming out of this situation.
As with any parent, you are naturally hesitant about loosening the reigns of control over your child. The value in resolving most preteen predicaments however is that you allow your child to use her own discretion on whether to seek your assistance. If she does not need your advice, she will still welcome your comforting arms, your soothing back rub and your special preparations for her as non-verbal support. More often than not, your preteen’s quandaries will have nothing to do with you at all, and all your child would really seek is the comfortable nest of your love as she thinks things through.
Chapter Five
Discipline…?
The title of this chapter has a deceiving question mark. It represents the query some parents have, as to whether the word ‘discipline’ is still the appropriate term to be used in the moral and behavioral arbitration that your preteen children need. The answer? It definitely is.
It is true that parents are being asked to take a step back in the preteen years, to allow their children room to independently explore the parental scripting that has been ingrained in them since their earliest years. This does not mean however that all parental authority has to disappear, or that your preteen has acquired a license to do as he pleases in the guise of transitional behavior. Because that is what this is - it is only the transition. It will be a continuing practice phase filled with trial and error. Not only are parents supposed to still be present to morally align their preteen’s behavior, but also the children themselves expect it.
A good analogy would be the time you taught your child to balance on a bike. After the first few years with training wheels set down all the way, you begin to allow your child fleeting attempts at balancing on his two main wheels. As he gets better at this, you raise the training wheels a bit higher still. After a lot of practice, your child is able to balance on two wheels for a few seconds longer, before falling back on the support of the training wheels that are still there. After some time, it seems as if your child is ready to try riding the bike with the training wheels off completely, BUT with the security of your hand at the back of the seat. As a parent, you run with him holding on to that back seat because you don’t want your child to fall. Yet, as both of you gain momentum and he feels stable in you hands, you try to let go. From experience, you know that before your child learns to completely and competently balance his bike on just two wheels, there will be lots of falls, scratched handlebars, occasional scraped knees, and countless wobbly moments. Through all this, your child will seek your support, sometimes still asking for your hand to steady him by the back of his seat till he feels ready to pedal away on his own.
Discipline during the preteen years is very much like how you taught your child to ride his bike. While it is necessary to let go occasionally so that he learns to balance on his own, neither you nor your child would like you to let go completely until he is absolutely ready.
Building Competence
Probably the biggest adjustment that you’ll have to go through as a parent during the preteen years is realigning your discipline style to adapt to your child’s current state of maturity. Remember that the ultimate purpose of disciplining your child should always be toward learning. Your child’s maturity level in his younger years certainly called for more control on your part, a lot of dictation, and endless reminders. That kind of ‘spoon-feeding of rules’ is no longer appropriate, because per Bloom’s levels of learning, your child not only knows the rules, he supposedly already understands them as well.
What you’d like to harness in your child now is his voluntary application of that ideal system of behavior. From memorizing the rules in the academic sense, you’d now ideally want your preteen to internalize the principle behind the rules in a more practical sense.
The reason this part is difficult for a lot of parents is because there will be some times when sacrifices have to be made in order to drive the point home. You’ll have to consciously refrain from nagging with reminders (unless you enjoy sounding like a broken record), and let the realization on expected behavior come from your child this time.
11-year old Gabe and his two best friends asked their parents to enroll them in the summer soccer program at the recreational center. Gabe’s father, Tony, reminded Gabe this meant he’d have to wake up and be ready before 7:00am five mornings a week, even if it was summer vacation. Gabe remained eager despite this; because not only did he enjoy soccer, but he would be with his friends too. Tony reminded his son that since it was Gabe who made the commitment to summer training, then Gabe should also be the one responsible for getting himself there on time. Gabe promised that he’d set his own alarm and not depend on either of his parents to get up early just to wake him.
On the first two days of training, Gabe woke up by his own alarm and got to the soccer field on time. On the third day, Tony found that he had to wake Gabe up himself because his son forgot to set his alarm clock the night before. Despite another stern reminder from his Dad, this happened again on the morning of the 4th day and Gabe got to training late. Tony decided that this would be the last ‘wake-up’ call he’d do for his son if Gabe didn’t act on his commitment voluntarily.
The night before the 5th and last training day of that week, Tony saw that again, Gabe went to sleep without setting his alarm clock for an early morning alert. Tony was in a quandary. He knew that Gabe could not make up for missed training days and each day was crucial with the soccer festival coming up. On the other hand, he also knew that Gabe needed to learn his lesson. He had to be responsible for following through on the choices he makes. Hard as it was for him, Tony decided to not wake his son up early the next morning and let him miss training.
Gabe woke up at 10am the next morning, both surprised and frustrated at having missed practice. Examining his memory for what must have gone wrong, he realized his irresponsibility and why his Dad did not wake him up.
As Tony was hoping, that one missed day of training drove the point home. For the rest of the summer, Gabe always remembered to set his alarm clock the night before training, and he was never late for soccer again. Beyond proving to Tony that he was obedient, Gabe now also showed his father that he was responsible.
Owning the Contract
"With freedom comes responsibility." You must have heard this classic from your own parents too. Now it’s time for your child to hear it from you. After grounding your child in a correct pattern of behavior, then developing his competence by promoting responsibility, it is time for you to build contracts with your preteen so that the learned responsibility remains with him from hereon. The goal of setting contracts as a discipline tool in the preteen years is to shift accountability from you to your child.
Remember that contracts must benefit both sides. Otherwise, whatever ‘agreement’ you come up with is really just another articulated rule for the child, under full parental control.
9-year old Joey has a contract with his mother Alice. They’ve agreed that he can play his video games for a maximum of 30 minutes (after homework) on weekdays and up to an hour on Saturdays. However, if he goes beyond the agreed playing time on any day, he loses the privilege to play video games on the following playing day, regardless of whether it’s a weekday or a weekend. Sundays are to be a rest day from video games to allow for more family activities.
This simple contract is able to achieve multiple objectives for both stakeholders. Let’s count them out:
1) First, Joey gets to play his favorite video games on a regular basis, even six days a week if he wants.
2) Second, by regulating the time allotted for video games, Alice has also left enough time for Joey to engage in other interests like playing with his younger siblings in the yard, or maybe reading a book.
3) Third, by identifying a clearly measurable time limit, Alice has spared herself the nagging task of having to tell a reluctant Joey repeatedly, that it’s time to switch the video games off. Through the built-in reinforcement of the contract, she has shifted that task to Joey
4) Fourth, because mother and son mutually agreed on all the terms of the contract, including the penalty, Joey will develop the virtue of self-rule, since it’s in his video-enthusiast’s interest that he abide by all parameters if he does not want to lose his privileges.
5) Since Joey is not deprived of his favorite activity throughout the week, he will be a more willing and eager participant in family activities during the special no-video occasion of Sundays.
Even the youngest preteen can understand a contract, though to them it probably sounds more like a ‘deal’. These contracts are effective tools in bringing about self-correction in your child because you establish them bilaterally. It will be easier for your child to live up to his end of the deal if he is involved in putting it together. In the same light, in case of any lapse, accountability is clear and need not be a point of argument or conflict. This results in fewer headaches all around.
Start by identifying the key areas wherein you feel your child needs frequent alignment or more reinforcement. Often, these things repeatedly become points of conflict or misunderstanding between your preteen and yourself, or other members of the family. A good time to bring up the idea for a contract or ‘deal’ is when the triggers for the behavior you wish to align become apparent, but before the situation escalates into friction. Make sure both of you are calm and feeling neutral, so that you and your child can speak freely and listen openly. Contracts don’t have to be written; however, it is important that you talk about all expected behavior thoroughly and agree on any positive or negative reinforcements that you’ve built in.
Together with part-ownership of the contract, your child also appreciates this exercise as your way of recognizing his transitioning away from early childhood. To your preteen, you are giving him a way to prove himself responsible, competent and trustworthy. You can bet that he will value the parameters of this discipline tool even more because of that.
Choose Your ‘Battles’
During the preteen years the parent-child relationship is ripe with moments of bonding, wonder, and discovery, as children journey through their transitions and parents re-train themselves to adjust. However, these very same transitions and adjustments can make your link to your child susceptible to friction as well. This interesting phase can bring about any number of ‘legitimate’ points of conflict. The discussion so far aims to minimize the moments of genuine discord. This particular section however aspires to actually eliminate any unnecessary conflict altogether.
By the very nature of parental authority (no matter how suppressed), you’ll notice that friction most often occurs because of an undesirable response your child makes to an instruction, comment or rule that you initiated. Given that, and the premise that all discipline must be designed to promote learning, we find that to do away with unnecessary points of conflict you must learn to "choose your battles" as they say.
The question is, how can you distinguish between matters (‘battles’) worth pursuing and those that can be set aside? For every instruction you give, comment you make, or rule you enforce, determine the underlying value that you want your child to uphold. If you are an honest parent examining past moments of conflict, you’ll admit that there were times when the issue you were pressing weren’t grounded in any principal other than "Because I’m your father/mother and I TOLD YOU SO!".
These instances of compelling obedience from your child for the sake of obedience alone are an unfair reassertion of your control over issues you’d already delegated to your child’s best judgment. Often these are matters stemming from your personal taste, or how you would rather do things, than any actual underlying principle. Not only will this result in friction, it will also confuse and frustrate your child when you encourage his good judgment then still assert your preference in the end.
One example is how you may insist that your son tuck his shirt into his jeans, or that your daughter always keep her long hair tied back. If your son is going to a place where social decorum dictates a tucked shirt, then you may remind him if you see he has forgotten. However, if he is simply going to the mall or to hang out at a friend’s house, then let him express his personal taste. This may not be how you’d wear your own shirt in the mall, but then he is not required to be exactly like you.
On the other hand, if the matter is of actual consequence, for example if your daughter is going to school for a day filled with exams, you might suggest that she tie her hair back that day. Explain the value here of diligence, because her hair may get in the way when she bends down to read question and write her answers. The suggestion is enough. Do not treat her like a six-year-old, whip out your comb and tie her hair back in a ponytail (or insist that she do it in front of you now). With your advice in mind, plus her own experience during the exams, trust that she will do what is best for her to accomplish her testing diligently.
The Re-engineered ‘Thinking’ Time Out
Despite auto-reinforcing contracts and self-accountability, the preteen years still have their share of parent-enforced disciplinary measures. The practice of using a time-out / quiet chair / quiet corner has been a classic tool in dealing with the misbehaving child.
For the preteen years, the time-out is tweaked to pursue the objectives of developing responsibility and building competence in the child. Instead of as a punishment or calming down period as it is used in early childhood, the preteen time out is to be regarded as an opportunity to think things through and find a remedy. The difference lies in what the parents say in sending their child to a ‘thinking time out’. The tone is important as well. While you may of course feel very stern about any misbehavior, make sure that you are non-threatening in your tone as you send him to think about it. This allows a free atmosphere for him to reflect sincerely, rather than for the child to feel threatened into catering a response that he feels you’d like to hear.
When Danny was six years old, he grabbed a toy from his younger brother Todd, causing Todd to stumble backwards and fall down. Danny was put on a time-out, and his parents explained to him how he should spend those minutes thinking about why sharing with his brother is important, how he feels about causing Todd to get hurt, and what he could do differently next time.
When Danny was 10, he got his father’s favorite sunglasses without asking and used them while playing outside. The sunglasses were damaged when the boys played tackle. Danny was sent to his room for a thinking time-out, and all he was told was to take quiet time without doing anything else in his room, to think about what happened.
Danny’s parents checked in on him after 20 minutes to see if he was ready. He told them that he’d be ready in five more minutes.
After the 25-minute time out, a somber Danny told his parents that he was sorry for using something that didn’t belong to him without asking permission. Danny went further by also saying that he felt bad for making his father think Danny didn’t respect his father’s feelings by not taking care of something that was important to his father. Danny said he could imagine how bad he’d feel if his brother Todd did the same thing to one of his favorite toys. Danny nailed it in the end when he said that he would always ask permission before borrowing anything in the future, and that he’d take care of what he borrowed to show respect to the one who trusted him enough to lend it.
Can you imagine all that coming from a 10-year old in less than half an hour? This is because Danny was sent to his time out with just the notion that there was wrongdoing. Unlike in previous years, he was not spoon-fed what to think about specifically, because his parents may have seen he was morally ready to determine that on his own. The exercise resulted in a multi-level discernment for Danny. Not only did he know what he did wrong, he was able to see the value that he undermined. Furthermore, Danny was able to identify with the violation by imagining how he’d feel if someone did the same to thing to him. Presenting the remedy and grounding it back into the value being upheld capped an effective thinking time-out that has served its purpose.
When you step back and share some of the control with your preteens, they can often surprise you by showing what they’ve retained of your teachings throughout the years, and how much of it they have internalized. Necessary reinforcement like the thinking time-out is a proactive exercise (as opposed to time out as punishment which is reactive) in building a consistency to their actions as they get older.
Chapter Six
Engaging the World
No matter how well you train and prepare your child, you can never really monopolize her influences. Nor should you want to. Your child is of your blood and belongs to your family; that makes her affiliation to you primal. However, your preteen also belongs to a social world that is a function of her friends, her school, her chosen activities, her community and even mass media.
In fact, from middle school onwards, almost half of your child’s waking hours may be spent outside the home. Like most parents you may have wished at least once that you had some magic filter with which to shield your child wherever she was, so that only desirable influences could get within a hundred meters of her. You may have also tried to choose her friends for her, like sifting through apples and taking bad ones out of the basket.
The thing is, if you’ve diligently followed through on training your child’s moral and emotional core, it may be the only shield she needs. Instead of you having to choose her friends for her, by your family’s same set of values, she is empowered to choose her friends by herself.
The Core and Getting "With It": Preteen Subculture
The strength and consistency of your family’s values system will determine how susceptible your child becomes to external influences. If the family has developed a solid core in the child, then you can trust her to maintain the family’s standards as she deals with the world.
The core is your child’s personal embodiment of the values and beliefs that define your family. It’s like an internal brand or mark that identifies each person as a member of your family. A strong core manifests itself in consistent practice of the desired behaviors both within and outside the parents’ spheres of influence. A weaker core manifests as selective practice of the desired behaviors, and may be tempted to compromise.
Reconcile the concept of a core, with any person’s innate longing to be socially acceptable. Like the rest of us, your child wants to feel that she belongs in her peer group. The preteen years are especially sensitive to social acceptance because of all the changes these kids are going through, at more or less the same time. A peer group will have its own norms and beliefs, eliciting conformity from the kids who wish to be part of it. The question these cliques ask your child is "Are you ‘with it’?". The term "peer pressure" comes into play when your child is encouraged by the group to adopt behavior she would normally not exhibit.
This is the worry of any parent. What if all the nurturing, discipline and hard work are simply negated by the ideal of fitting in with one’s peers?
First of all, peer groups are as varied as families in their composition of desirable standards. Not all peer groups are out to taint your preteen. In fact, if your child’s core is grounded firmly in your family’s belief system, then your child will naturally select and surround herself with peers of like-minded values. She just won’t feel comfortable and socially fulfilled otherwise.
It is impossible to encase your child in a bubble. Of course, persons and situations will come to test your child’s core. The issue is whether your child will value the gratification these temptations offer over the principles upon which the family core is embedded.
One important thing to say at this point is that your child’s core is only as strong as that of your family. A close, healthy family environment roots family members in love, comfort and emotional security. If your child feels that familial security wherever she is, then her standards will not be easily compromised. Moreover, your child will try to replicate the sense of security by consciously or subconsciously choosing friends, role models, groups and activities that are like an extension of your family in that they uphold the same values and beliefs.
Friends
Make a sincere effort to get to know your preteen’s friends. Emphasis on the ‘sincere’ part because you don’t want your child to think you’re ‘checking them out’ like some kind of police background inspection. Building genuine rapport with your child’s friends gives you the opportunity to share with them your family’s core. The better they know you, the more likely that they will respect your family’s core values, especially when in the company of your child. On your child’s part, he’ll feel more open about telling you any problems he might have with other kids later on. He’ll feel that you can relate to the situation better since you’re familiar with whoever he’s talking about.
If at all possible, get to know the parents of your child’s friends too. Social circles in the younger years were heavily influenced by parents: proximity, parents’ contacts and parents’ activities (i.e. ‘kids of the bowling group’). In the preteen years, you may see your child building a social circle that is totally devoid of any kids that you knew previously, like cousins, childhood neighbors or family friends. The kids probably met at school, drawn together by some common interest. It is not a bad thing that your child is now part of a group entirely independent of any of your networks. In fact, it shows a lot of self-confidence on his part. Getting to know the parents and the families of these kids gives you an insight into how they might influence each other, especially your child. If there’s anything you need to watch out for, learning more about the kids’ families will give you a heads up. On the lighter side of things, who knows, you just might make new friends yourself!
Chapter Seven
The Birds and the Bees: The Sex Talk
First off, let’s be clear that discussions of sexuality with your preteen do not necessarily pertain to sexual intercourse per se. Intercourse is just one of the various components of sex education, and is certainly one of the last topics that you should concern your preteen child about.
Sexuality begins at the earliest age, with an awareness of the physical and later on, socio-emotional differences between genders. For some preteens, sexual awareness may begin with noticing the gradual physical changes going on in their own bodies. For others, the physical aspect may be preceded by some alteration in their perspective of the opposite sex. Suddenly, the lines between genders soften as girls and boys begin to find each other attractive, in whatever way.
All these physical, social and emotional elements come into play as far as preteen sexuality is concerned. You can surmise that what they refer to as "the talk" is actually going to be a series of talks, because there are so many topics; and as time goes by, there will always be new questions. There is a natural and logical progression to these topics, which actually differ between girls and boys. Sometimes however, your planned series of talks can be preempted when the environment intervenes and piques the curiosity of your child. It pays to always be prepared.
Whenever Julia watches television with her 10-year old Stephanie, her daughter’s routine has been to ask the definition of any unfamiliar words she heard on TV. One night, the word "sex" was casually mentioned in a conversation between a doctor and his patient. Julia braced for the inevitable question, her mind racing for a suitable definition for that word at this time. Julia then goes into mild shock as she realizes that Stephanie didn’t bother to ask her the definition of "sex" at all. Yet, a few minutes later, Stephanie hears another new word and reverts to asking Julia the meaning again.
Julia is now worrying, what does Stephanie know about the word sex, and where did she get her definition? Another thought occurs to her. Maybe Julia doesn’t really even know what sex means, but has picked up some pre-conceived notion about it which led her to think it was embarrassing to ask her mother about sex. Either way, Julia now realizes that she can no longer postpone the unavoidable. She and Julia would have to start "the talk(s)".
Where do parents get that natural hesitation about talking to their children about sex? The answer must be in our own experience of how the topic was handled (or mishandled, or not handled at all) by our parents when we were that age. A lot has changed since we were preteens. With the bombardment of mass media and commercial influence, talking to our children about sex is no longer optional. It is a very crucial element in the moral, physical and emotional progression of our preteens.
Who does it?
Which parent handles discussions regarding sex? Conventional wisdom states that this responsibility is dictated by gender. Mothers talk to their daughters and fathers talk to their sons. One main objective of the very first parent-child talk about sexuality is to open the airwaves and create a relaxed, comfortable atmosphere for your child to open up with his questions and concerns. Naturally, having the conversation with the same-gendered parent is the best way to achieve this. Another logical reason to keep the same genders in mind is the issue of credibility and expertise. Even if the father is a doctor, he cannot accurately describe to his daughter the emotional component that accompanies the physical aspects of menstruation. Neither can a mother, no matter how loving, relate to her son’s queries about the hormonal surges that sometimes manifest unexpectedly, within her son’s body.
Unfortunately, not all families can necessarily choose one of two parent genders as applicable. Single parents with opposite gendered preteens may want to entrust this responsibility to a close relative or family friend - someone who is credible and trustworthy to both parent and child. If no one like that is available, it’s still possible for cross-gendered parental guidance to be effective. In such cases, the lone parent might benefit from the direction of some professional, to independently assist him or her in areas that are unfamiliar. This could be a family doctor, a youth counselor, or even the book of a credible author.
What and How Much?
What to say and how much information to give during each talk are issues only the parents can determine for their own child. Two children may be of the same chronological age, but can have very different levels of emotional readiness for such a talk. In some instances, parents will have time to prepare a mental outline of how each talk should go and of how content may progress. If you are at this point, take advantage of the advanced warning. Prepare yourself for an open, informative and supportive discussion with your preteen at levels you’ve predetermined as appropriate for both his age and degree of maturity.
For boys, try starting with the concept of puberty first. Talk about the physical changes your child can expect, and introduce adjustments in personal hygiene that should accompany the physical developments. Another level of discussion can talk about any heightened attraction towards girls. At this point, expect questions that have to do with corresponding physical sensations that they feel at the thought of an attractive girl. Encourage questions and keep your answers as simple and direct to the point as possible. Your child need not know beyond what he is asking yet. He will ask when he is ready.
With girls, begin the same way, with the physiological manifestations of puberty. Introduce your daughter to the menstrual cycle, and let her ask all the questions she wants. Assure her that it is normal for some women to begin menstruating as early as nine years old, while some others do not get their first period until their mid-teens. Assuage her insecurities about not menstruating yet in case her friends already are. If she has begun her monthly period, explain how a ‘regular cycle’ is relative, and that it may take time for her own cycle to normalize into the schedule that was presented to them in school (or in books). Discuss preparations for menstruation, good personal hygiene, and the proper use of feminine products. Together with explaining the biological processes that bring about menstruation, you may want to give a precursor of how different girls are affected in various ways (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, Dysmenorrhea, etc) by their monthly period, while others don’t seem to be affected that much at all. Keep your tone objective, so that your daughter does not pre-formulate a bias against having her period even before she gets it. Assure her that if she ever feels discomfort, there is medication available to help ease the pain. For a subsequent talk, introduce your daughter to the center of womanhood, the capacity to bear new life. There is no need for your preteen to learn about the intimate act between married couples at this time. However, highlight the significance of her menstruation as the means to create new life, so she learns to value the responsibility attached to her role, and acquire a deep respect for this responsibility early on.
In some instances, the parent may be caught off-guard, as when the child asks a sexually-related inquiry triggered by something he may have seen or heard around him. Prepared in advance or not, acknowledge that the time has come to discuss these matters with your child because his curiosity has been triggered. If he doesn’t get the answers to his questions from you, he’ll most probably try to find out on his own, and who knows what he’ll learn out there.
Speaking of which, when your child comes to you with partial information he’d like to confirm, try to find out as much as possible about what else he knows, what else he’s heard and where he got his information. Avoid sounding like a drill sergeant doing interrogations, but clarify with your child as much as you can. These are golden opportunities to correct any mistaken assumptions your child has formed, and re-start him on the right track. There is a limit to how much you can control the information he absorbs from his environment, so it’s crucial to verify for him whenever you can.
It’s worthy to mention that whether sexually oriented discussions are initiated by you or by your child, the general tone that you set for the exchange is key in how your child begins to view the topic of sex. When a question is thrown your way, no matter how shocking it sounds, be careful of how you react. Practice neutral listening. Most probably, any shock-value in his question comes from a total ignorance of the topic rather than from real malice. It is important to establish with your child that the topic of sex in itself is not taboo, and that he can feel secure enough to approach you with his questions and concerns any time.
When to begin?
The matter of when to initiate talks about sexuality can be answered differently based on gender.
With boys, fathers can assume more flexibility in the timing, since there is no actual harbinger for male puberty. Emotional readiness and moral maturity can be the only determinants for the right time to begin those father-and-son talks.
With girls however, there is some urgency to begin even the most basic of dialogues when the child hits the preteen years. The herald of female puberty can come anytime, unannounced, and in a scary flash of red for the un-oriented: MENSTRUATION. Given that there’s a biological aspect to when mothers should start having talks with their daughters about sexuality, the content of the initial discussions should be tempered according to the emotional maturity of the child at the time. Since menstruation can begin from as early as nine years old (though rarely), mothers may need to consider introducing topics on pre-pubescent hygiene by that age, and eventually setting the stage for the first period’s showing any time from then on.
The Cross-Gender Parent
With the assignment of responsibilities according to gender, it may seem to you that mothers will have absolutely nothing to do with their guiding their sons through pre-pubescent development, nor will fathers be involved in their daughters’ blossoming. That is furthest from the truth. In fact, it is the opposite-gendered parent who helps provide the emotional stability for the child during this phase, by being more sensitive to the needs of the child as a member of the opposite sex. You provide the test run for your opposite-gendered child in dealing with the other sex during this time.
In essence, there shouldn’t be a marked change in the affection expressed between fathers and daughters, or mothers and sons, at this stage. What you don’t want to happen is for your child to associate your altered affection toward him/her, with the changes going on in his or her body. Many fathers admit to feeling quite uncomfortable in showing affection to their daughters who’ve begun to get their periods. While the fathers’ uncertainty stems from nothing negative, and only a concern as to how their daughters would like to be treated at this stage, all the daughters can see from their perspective is that their fathers have been hugging them less when they began menstruating, and so the menstrual period must be a shameful thing.
On the contrary, the opposite-gendered parent is the key person for establishing security and confidence in the pre-pubescent child. Be generous with your praise and affirmation. Be as affectionate as you’ve always been, unless the cue to step back a bit comes from your child himself. This is more likely to come from the preteen boy, who feels embarrassed at public displays of affection from his mother or from either parent, actually. Even then, don’t misinterpret this as a message to stay away. Your child still needs your love and that primal connection to you. Some children just prefer a shift in the mode of affection to less direct expressions, like close conversations over ice cream instead of cuddling up in front of the television.
Modeling relationships
Keep in mind that as your child’s sexual awareness grows, he subconsciously imbibes the attitudes and perspectives of the relationships around him.
If you are a father, be aware that how you act toward your wife (and daughters) becomes your own son’s standard for treating other girls. Your ministrations also become a benchmark for your daughter on what she should expect from a boy. Mothers, the same principle applies to you, on how you regard your husband.
Your kids have become keen observers through the years. Take note of the messages you inadvertently send them with your own actions toward your relationships. Be sure that these are the ideals you want to convey to your children as they mature.
Chapter Eight
Enjoying this stage
The preteen stage is the period when you can begin to kick back and have fun with your kids on a slightly more mature level. While still being a vigilant parent, there is less need for you to cater to a preteen child as you would your preschooler.
You can gradually bring the recreational aspect of your parent-child relationship to a more symbolic level. Your influence transitions from honing his physical behavior into honing his way of looking at things.
This can be an enjoyable time to share his interest in music, or to encourage him to read the classics of this age group. It might be fun to let him read a book that you’d read at his age, and then exchange ideas with him about the story afterwards. The same goes for films, plays and even sports (now you have a more ‘worthy’ opponent).
Having an emotional investment in your child’s new world not only keeps you involved in his life, it shows your preteen that it’s possible for him to ‘be cool’, and to still be emotionally attached to his parents at the same time.
These shared gestures with your child are not meant to bring you to his peer level, or trying to be "one of the boys/girls". Not only would that be pretentious on your part, it might be embarrassing for your child. It could also confuse your child when the time comes to realign his actions. In fact, one of the worst things to do is to use something you observed while you were ‘hanging out’ with him during a scolding or a reprimand later on. Your preteen will feel so betrayed because for a few moments you may have inadvertently led him to think that you were his friend more than his parent.
What you do want is to be involved enough in that you are able to maintain your child’s trust and confidence as he makes the transition towards the teenage years. When you have your child’s trust, you need not worry too much about the times he is away from you. Most likely, he will share with you anything he thinks is important for you to know.
One question you may ask is will your child voluntarily choose to spend time with you over his friends? If the family core is strong, the answer is yes. A preteen’s schedule can be brimming with after-school projects, team sports, sleepovers and neighborhood bike rides. Even at home, there are phone chats or friends coming over to play video games. Amidst all these, the onus is actually on the parents to create time for the family and build the core.
Parents themselves have to show their children that they are active and present to enjoy the family unit. Beyond going to work, getting kids fed, maintaining their health and keeping them safe, let your children know that you make time to simply have fun with them too.
Watch out that you don’t relegate family time to whatever is left over from your work. Instead of bringing home just the crumbs of your liveliness from the morning, reserve the best of your energy and your most enthusiastic smile for the kids (even if it is the end of the day). Set aside at least one day of each week exclusively as family day. Involve the children in planning family activities so that they gain more interest in them and have ownership of the process too. When your preteen sees you arranging all else to prioritize your family, they’ll bask in the love and laughter during times you’ve created for them. They’ll take your cue and value time for you too.
Conclusion
The preteen phase of your child’s life is one of the most interesting stages he (and you) will ever experience. From the ages nine through twelve, your child is like a chrysalis, with so many transformations going on both inside and out. The transitions of a preteen run the gamut of personal aspects: physical, emotional, psychological and social. Add to this a blossoming awareness of the sexual aspect too, and you have the complex age of pre-adolescence at hand.
Having said that, this stage is not an intermission for parents to snooze through, in between running after your kids as young children and then worrying endlessly about them as independent teenagers. The process of your child’s transitions in the different aspects requires full parental involvement, in a manner that calls for less control, and more management.
Being a preteen can sometimes be scary and quite confusing. So can being a preteen’s parent. As the preteen copes with learning so many new things about himself, his peers and the world around him, so does the preteen’s parent struggle to unlearn the authoritative tone that dictated childhood parenting. The essential objective of training your preteen is to develop his moral discernment. Aim for his voluntary application of the principles, standards and beliefs your family upholds. His personal embodiment of these values is known as his core, this is what he’ll have with him wherever he goes.
More and more, your child engages the world outside your home without you. You cannot possibly control all the influences that will surround him, so work on strengthening his core and practicing his best judgment. Help him manage himself through building contracts that teach him accountability. Learn to occasionally let your child go, watch him grow, and then realign his behavior as you see fit. Correct what needs correction, and reinforce what he is doing right. Allow him to make his mistakes, but give him the time to realize on his own why things went wrong.
Respect your child as he builds his private world. You too are part of
this new world, though you are there less to direct, and more to listen, watch and answer his questions. Despite his many activities and growing social circle, know that your child still appreciates your presence, like the steadying hand that helps keep his balance.
When he hits puberty and starts to become curious about his sexuality and the opposite sex, you will create with him an atmosphere of open dialogue. Prepare to clarify for him issues he has imbibed from his environment, and guide yourself in giving him only the information he is emotionally ready for.
Lastly, beyond all the responsibilities you have as a parent, make sure your preteen is loved. Your unconditional acceptance of him will give him the confidence to embrace all these changes. Fortify your family unit because this is where your child will ground his own strength.
Yes, the world can be tricky, but it’s also filled with laughter, discovery and wonder. Here’s to losing the training wheels and running full speed with your hand on the back seat!
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